we have moved

Nash Has Moved...

2008-09-11T15:11:00.000+02:00

my darling, you must be lost.

Everyone has moved on. The party here has come to an end, it’s over.
Sure it was fun while it lasted, but the venue has to change sometime.

Everyone has gone to the NEW bangersandnash.com.

You should go to, you’ll like it.

Trust me.

Amy Winehouse = Rock Star...

2008-09-10T08:48:00.000+02:00

no apologies. No regrets. Ever.

I love this chick. The world seems to hate Amy Winehouse. I have no problem with her. She behaves like an old school rock star and seems to be totally fine with it. She does not give a fuck what anyone else thinks, which is quite refreshing.

Celebs these days seem to be way too concerned with what the average person thinks of them. Like the person on the street has an opinion worth listening to - please! As a “star” it’s their job to live outrageously, so that the rest of the world can marvel at them and aspire to be like them.

Not that I think anyone should be like Amy, I mean, there is something seriously wrong with that bird. I doubt she is going to be alive for much longer. But let’s be honest, she’s a bloody hoot. Very entertaining.

You can read about her latest exploits here. In short:

“The star, 24 — who binged until 5am after ordering 48 bottles of whisky for her gig — was wrapped up in the duvet and carried away on a minder’s shoulder after being booted out by hotel bosses.

Rehab singer Amy’s entire entourage were barred from the Wellington Hotel for destroying her room and shouting at staff and guests.
The hotel said they caused £5,000 of damage, burning furniture with cigarette butts and covering carpets with booze. “

That, my darling, is awesome! You must understand that the world needs people like Amy, they balance everything out.

Play here game here. It’s an awesome time killer.

Zapiro Tells The Truth...

2008-09-09T11:40:00.000+02:00

why does no one see it?

In case you missed Zapiro’s latest piece, like I did, see below.

That my friend is phenomenal. I can’t believe I missed it on Sunday. Anyway, it’s been all over the news for the last two days and I thought I had better show you.

You can read the full story here, basically Zapiro has come under fire for this one. It’s expected but let’s be honest, this kind of thing focuses attention on Zuma and the fuck show he is currently conducting. Will anyone do anything about it though?

Probably not.

2008 MTV Music Awards...

2008-09-08T13:02:00.004+02:00

get’s done properly by a British bloke.

So this weekend the hottest people in the US got together and celebrated other hot people who can sing. Oh and Britney got her life back on track, sort of. Anyway, I really couldn’t give two shits about who won or who should have, if you do go here.

I do care about the people who attended and if they were hot enough to make it onto these pages. So I’ve checked out a few pics, not all, because I am rather busy. But these seem to cover most bases. Let’s have a look.

For full story click banner

Happy Ramadan...

2008-09-08T10:45:00.003+02:00

and good luck.

It’s at times like these, times that I live and breathe, that I am glad I don’t subscribe to any particular religion. It's not that I have anything against any of them, I do, however, doubt that I have the will power and mental resolve to stick with the various commandments, rules, rituals and customs for a prolonged period of time i.e. the rest of my life.

It just seems a little too much sometimes. I mean, I barely have the time to catch the 7pm news, let alone spend an entire Saturday or Sunday in prayer, or my Friday lunchtime kneeling on a mat. As I’ve said before, life is all about time management, and religion just seems to take up so much time.

Besides the time, there are extra costs attached. Clothing, apparel, donations, fund raisers, books, etc, etc. I’m not sure of the total costs involved but I prefer to see a direct return from my investments.

For example, on a Sunday, I like to invest in a bucket of golf balls at the River Club and beat the hell out of 50 – 100 balls, occasionally mentioning the Lords name, as well as his sons. After, but sometimes during, the ball beating I like to enjoy a bit of the “holy wine”. It’s normally around this time that I donate a few extra rand to the waiter. I much prefer this to, say, kneeling on a step and waiting forever for a drop of cheap wine before dropping a couple of coins into a collections bag that may or may not fund the priests gambling/internet porn addiction.

Anyway, this isn’t about me. This is about those brave (?) few who have chosen not to eat for the next month or so. Happy Ramadan and good luck.

Classic.

Mother Nature Fucks With Cape Town...

2008-09-08T09:33:00.003+02:00

Proving she can be a right whore.

What the fuck is going on? Is Mother Nature tripping on something? I doubt even Derek Van Dam knows what the bitch will do next. We (Cape Town) were teased with perfect summer conditions on Saturday, giving hope to all that summer was on the way and winter had finally buggered off.

Then we were hit with, what could only have been a tropical monsoon, possibly even a tornado. Thank God I had recently restocked my storm cellar and boarded up all of my windows. And so I spent my Sunday safely 30m underground watching Dexter (Season 2 nog al), eating baked beans out of the tin enjoying the quiet hum of the generator in the background.

Today was no better, I almost drowned whilst driving my car this morning. Anyway, sometime good things come from Mother Natures mood swings. Remember last week, when the bitch tried to kill us? She sent some pretty nasty shit our way, but not all of it turned out so badly.
I was browsing through wavescape.co.za this morning and came across some phenomenal storm pictures. There are quite a few, but they are all worth it. Have a look.

F.U.C.K

Kalk Bay.

Naughty...

That...will not end well.

Clovelly. Yup, Clovelly.

Besides those, I have heard some very naughty stories about secret spots, east coast perfection, and stand up barrels at Fish Hoek. Ya, read that again, break it down into key words – so you understand. Stand. Up. Barrels. Fish. Hoek.

Mental!

Send me pics if you have them.

Friday's Friend - Mila Kunis...

2008-09-05T10:03:00.003+02:00

fits the description.

Of what you may ask. The perfect girl of course. Hair colour – check. Bra size – check. Eyes – Oh. My. God. Skin – Heavenly. Body……

For full story and pics click here

Excuses On a Friday...

2008-09-05T09:05:00.001+02:00

don’t normally go down well.

However, I must let you know my side of the story. You may have noticed the lack of posts of late. I do apologise. I have an excuse though. You see I have been working quite hard improving things around here, for you – it’s all for you.

Lacking the budget of a…well…lacking a budget all together, I have had to figure out a lot of these computer processes and programs and it has taken some time. Luckily I have been fortunate enough on the website-stuff-I-don’t-understand sort of stuff and JC has hooked me up rather nicely.

It’s just about done darling, the new site was supposed to launch today, but due to unforeseen drinking binges, things are a day or two behind. I will however give you a little peek of exactly what the new site will…..not look like.

Ha ha! Did I get you? Probably not, hey? Sorry about that.

Look, you don’t want excuses, I don’t want to give any. Just know that a new era is coming, it’s just around the corner and it’s going to touch you exactly where you want it to in a few days.

Eeeek! I can’t wait!

Elton John Owns Lily Allen...

2008-09-04T15:17:00.001+02:00

at GQ awards.

Oh my God I have been waiting for this clip to go live on this internet for, like, an entire day now. Do you know how long that is in internet time? It’s like a month, or something. Anyway, the Elton Vs Lily clip has arrived, and it is fucking hilariouse!

Watch it now!

Whoa! That chick is boozed!

Elton did the right thing stepping back there, seeing as we all know what Lily is capable of.

Classic!

Movie Voiceover Guy Dies...

2008-09-04T09:14:00.001+02:00

In a world where... movie previews are everything – Don LaFontaine is the king.

Or was the king, well he still is – like Elvis. Anyway, the Goose informed me of his demise this morning, much to my horror. The guy was a legend.

“LaFontaine is credited with making more than 5,000 movie trailers in his 33-year career.
The voiceover artist was also credited for the catch-all movie phrase: "In a world where..."

There is no point in writing about this guy, you MUST experience him. Below is a clip about our boy, and below that is the phenomenal Pablo Francisco – the guy who does the film guy beautifully.

You have to watch both. Promise me. Ok well just the last one then, if you running out of time.

Movie trailers will never be the same.

Full story here.

Like I Said...

2008-09-02T09:51:00.000+02:00

it's all about time management.

To the left (out of frame) sits a naughty apple and cinnamon muffin, with a delightfully crispy top.

Just imagine it in your mouth, right now. Put it in. Do it. No, not so much, just little bits at a time. Don't rush the pleasure darling, it'll be over too quickly. Yes...

just like that...

Perfect.

Scorpions "Bite" Zuma...

2008-09-01T14:03:00.002+02:00

as Nash worries about the future.

I prefer to keep these “pages” free of these sort of issues, opting to entertain you instead – well, try to at least. This story, however, I though I would cover briefly. For a change, because I’m quite concerned and somewhat pissed off.

There is no need to go into detail here. Basically, our next president – and make no mistake, he will be president, Jacob Zuma faces several (a euphemism if there ever was one) charges involving, but not limited to, racketeering, corruption, money laundering, fraud and, my personal favourite, defeating the ends of justice.

Besides Zuma, top business men/women, government officials, parliament members, etc, etc, have had charges brought against them by the Scorpions. A rough tough band of vigilantes that point fingers, falsify evidence and disrupt the transformation of this country.

Oh, wait sorry, that’s how the accused describe them. According to Wiki: “The Directorate of Special Operations (also, DSO or Scorpions) is a multidisciplinary agency that investigates and prosecutes organized crime and corruption. It is a unit of The National Prosecuting Authority of South Africa. The staff of 2000 Scorpions consist of the best police, financial, forensic and intelligence experts of South Africa.

They mainly focus on:

- Trans-national drug trafficking (something I think they could possibly relax on a bit),
- Human smuggling and trafficking
- Cross-departmental corruption in Provincial Governments.
- Organized Crime;
- Organized Corruption;
- Serious and Complex Financial Crime; and
- Racketeering and Money Laundering

Now that sounds a lot better, like an organization one would want in ones country doesn’t it. So why the fuck get rid of them, even though they have been so effective?

“By February 2004 (3 years operating), the DSO had completed 653 cases, comprising 273 investigations and 380 prosecutions.Of the 380 prosecutions, 349 resulted in convictions, representing an average conviction rate of 93,1%.”

That’s quite the track record. It’s interesting then that the majority of the pressure to disband the Scorpions, in light of their success, comes from government. Why would that be? Is it purely due to their (the Scorpions) “attack” on comrade Zuma? Surely not. Why would the leaders of our country stand in the way of justice? Do they perhaps have too much vested in Zuma, or something of their own to hide?

The below comment, courtesy of secretary general Zet Luzipho of the fuckshow that is Cosatu, is the reason for this post.

"If the Scorpions bite the wrong people we will kill them. Like a dog when it starts biting relatives at your home. You get rid of it. We will do the same to the Scorpions."

Firstly, scorpions don’t bite YOU FUCKING MORON! And secondly, its comments like that, which result in skilled professionals leaving this country. No one should be above the law, and when unions like Cosatu start threatening organisations, charged with bringing criminals to justice, for doing their job there is a serious problem.

Should a president or anyone in government be above the law?

Ahem...Zimbabwe…Mugabe…

What Would Peter De Villiers Do...

2008-09-01T08:30:00.001+02:00

I mean, he is like Jesus.

This is just too beautiful (seen on News24). Peter “jaaa you know” De Villiers just about compared himself to Jesus Christ after his side, the Springboks, demolished the Australians. This is what he had to say.

"The same people who threw their robes on the ground when Jesus rode on a donkey were the same people who crowned him and hit him with sticks and stuff like that, and were the same people who said afterwards how we shouldn't have done that, he's the son of God," de Villiers said.

"So that's exactly what we do. You have to look at history is repeating itself, and I'm not saying that I'm God."

De Villiers really said that. You can’t make that shit up. I just love the “and stuff like that” bit. The “history is repeating itself” is quite phenomenal as well. But seriously, who can’t see the similarities between De Villiers’s story and the big JC. It’s like they are the same person.

Jaaaa you know…

Have Sex With Whomever You Want...

2008-08-29T15:06:00.002+02:00

you hear me.

Models, mothers, girls, guys (if that's your thing), etc, etc, ETC. You can do exactly what you want if you win todays UK Lottery. It's sitting somwhere around R1 BILLION. I say around because, let's be honest, the exact figure doesn't matter at all. It's too much money to spend.

I already have my tickets. You should get yours now. If I win I'll take you to Spain for the weekend. If you win how about slipping 10% my way? Deal?

Sweet!

Buy your tickets now!

Click that flashing thing.

Click!

Click!

Click!

ROCKnROLLA...

2008-08-29T13:35:00.002+02:00

another look, because it's that good.

Not sure when this is opening here (sometime soon I think), but fuck me it looks amazing!

Kate Moss Almost Naked...

2008-08-29T11:03:00.000+02:00

a little taste.

I'll put the rest of this photo shoot up at a later stage. Now, using the power of your mind, remove all of her clothes. Beautiful. I just wanted to give you an idea of what you can expect sometime soon.

Michael Jackson At 50...

2008-08-28T14:33:00.003+02:00

Interesting...

I'm not too sure about this entire picture.

Firstly Mike looks very uncomfortable. Let's not even get into the carpet, or his pants. Shall we chat about the glasses? No? Ok, how about the chin? The nose? No?

I suppose you are right. Let's just forget we ever saw this.

Ctrl + Alt + Del

Can Someone Please Explain...

2008-08-28T11:20:00.002+02:00

what the fuck is going on with our weather.

Please, I just want to know if I should pack away the thermal underwear, or buy another set of long johns. Yesterday was phenomenal, a little cool, but perfectly clear. Today is a rain drop short of a full blown tropical monsoon.

At times like these I turn to the people who have a better understanding of high pressure zones and cold fronts. I turn to the guys who make a living out of guessing if it’s going to be a sunny or cloudy day – weather men.

And so it was that I came across (not on) Derek Van Dam. Cape Town’s Favourite Son first brought this guy to my attention when he told of his goose’s lust for him – not ideal at all. Since then I have found out that Shaun is not alone in his dilemma, it seems South Africa’s female population is in lust with Derek Van Dam, or DVD.

I, however, have my reservations about this guy. He seems a little too good to be true. He “the perfect guy” according to those people equipped with ovaries. He even has a blog called To Follow a Dream, or is it Compassionate Africa?

“This is the second edition of my Africa Blogsite. I am moving March 24th, 2008 to Cape Town, South Africa to pursue a job opportunity and humanitarian work that God has laid before me.”

Mmmm…I’m not convinced. I strongly suspect DVD is actually a slave trader. His humanitarian front isn’t fooling me. It’s obvious. Come now. Wake up girls.

He’s also a little condescending during his weather reports. He has a sort of I-know-exactly-what-I-am-talking-about-you-idiot-oh-and-I-am-banging-your-wife vibe going. I really don’t appreciate it.

I think it’s the hand movements that get me. A little too flashy for South Africa television. Flash, exaggerated hand movements might have cut it in the States, but here in SA we want slow, simple hand movements. I have my suspicions they are actually some sort of human traffickers sign language.

Point-open hand-flick wrist-twirl hand-close fist actually translates to I have three 16-year-old Zulu girls in a container on its way to you.

Have a look.

You see. There is something dodgy about this guy.

Girls, he might be good looking, and a humanitarian, and a good weather man, and you might want him inside you, but be warned, after a night with DVD you will most likely wake up two kidneys short, in a bath full of ice.

You have been warned.

Elevator Phone Sex...

2008-08-27T12:41:00.001+02:00

not ideal.

Oh Lordy darling, you HAVE to watch this. It is, in two words, PHENOMENAL!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

“Make your butthole call me the Captain.”

Hilarious!

PS:

I do realise these last few posts have been rather short. They will get better baby, as soon as I have finished with the new site…uh…gotten over my hangover. There is no new site, move along.

Nothing to see here.

Paris Launches The Bandit...

2008-08-27T09:19:00.001+02:00

it's a small hair band.

That's how our princess rolls. She has had a massive launch for, what is essentially, a hair band. Though, I think she may have just wanted a bit of attention. Of course, there is nothing wrong with Paris wanting, or getting, attention. Let's have another look.

Lovely.

OBAMA ASSASSINATION PLOT...

2008-08-27T09:06:00.001+02:00

are we surprised that the suspects looked like this?

Not at all. Jeeez just look at those two. If I were a gambling man I would wager that at least one of those guys has slept with their sister, or at least, their cousin.

It’s all a little clichéd, the “meth head” hicks, bent on cleansing the government of all Negro persons. I don’t even want to get into it.

Anyway, there is apparently nothing more to worry about, you can read it all here.

7 WAYS TO BE A SLUT...

2008-08-25T12:56:00.003+02:00

featured on News24 today.

The Film Guy pointed me in the direction of this “article”, and after reading it I thought I should set the record straight.

See my comments in yellow.

"So you've dumped your man and are experiencing significant regret. What to do? What to do?
Caroline Hurry from True Love magazine gives these 7 steps to bring him crawling back to you:

Crying, begging and pestering him on the phone are the worst things you can do. He'll only lose respect for you and assume the upper hand.

Correct, a whining girl is a single girl.

Rather, try the following seven steps to bring him crawling (mmm) back to you:

1. Do reconnaissance: Before you begin, shake the girlfriend grapevine and find out if he's:a) out drinking and bonking anyone who'll have him; b) spending his evenings listening to "your song" and weeping into his beer;c) interested in anyone else.

Answer “a” is the correct option here. He will be out with his mates trying to shag anything with tits and a hot body, and/or face, as well as drinking – a lot. The only time he will listen to “your song” is if the DJ plays it while he is out with the boys, at which stage he will order another round of grenades, there will be no "weeping" involved.

2. Broadcast your regret:Talk to his friends, since anything you tell them will soon reach his ears. Let him know you miss him, but say it matter-of-factly without grovelling.

This will more than likely NEVER have an affect on him. If I am correct your ex had a penis, not a vagina. The sort of emotional depth required from a guy, for this kind of angle to work simply does not exist. He will just think he could sleep with you again if he wanted, therefore boosting his confidence, therefore increasing the number of notches on his bed post.

3. Keep it light:Tears can terrify a man. He's trying to convince himself he's better off without you. Reverse the process by reminding him of all the good times you've had. Keep the conversation light and flirtatious. Don't on any account ask him out at this stage.

Hold the fuck on. How did we suddenly arrive at this point? Are you out to lunch? Dinner? Have you asked to meet him? Are you dreaming again?

4. Do the things he loved:Remember how he was always bugging you to go with him to soccer or some noisy, open-air concert? He's probably remembering you as a boring NATO (no action, talk only) gal. Prove him wrong by arranging a trip with friends and e-mailing him about it. Example: "Hey, remember how we always talked about going to see TK Zee? Well, I went! They were da bomb! You should definitely go."

Firstly, using “da bomb” in any sentence will most certainly reduce your chance of a successful relationship, anywhere on this planet – ever. Secondly, if you told him you were doing the things he really wanted to do (anal, threesomes, etc) he will consider you a dirty skank. You should have done those things when he asked the first time.

I did like the NATO comment, I may borrow that.

5. Talk to a gorgeous guy: Use your most powerful weapon: jealousy. Frequent his stamping ground and make sure he sees you with the best-looking man there (even if you're just asking him what time it is).

Probably not the best bit of advise. A jealous guy will do one of two things – possibly both, none of them involve taking you back. He will either beat the crap out of the poor guy you are using, or grab the closest bird and bang her in the club bathroom.

6. Keep your cool:Run into him accidentally on purpose, looking ravishing. Pretend you're in a hurry and keep the conversation short. As you leave, say something like: "Let's go for coffee sometime and catch up." Keep it casual and smile, or he may think you want to tell him you're engaged or that you have an STD. Then...

How do you plan on “running into someone accidentally”? Are you a fucking stalker?

7. Clinch the deal:Set up that date for coffee or an after-work drink and suggest you meet there (no pressure). He'll be a little on edge, so just keep things friendly and light. After an hour of catching up and laughing, he'll be wondering why you ever broke up in the first place!

Possibly the only piece of credible advice, providing you actually have a personality.

That is most certainly a recipe for disaster. Are girls really such manipulative bitches, and do you think guys are that stupid? Look, I’m not the only one who thinks this is silly. See below some of the News24 reader’s comments.

“One thing for sure if ya do follow the advice...he will mos def want to screw ya like the slut that ya are, ....then next thing he is out...like a thief in the night...thinking of a long term commitment after leaving a man is just plain fictional!”

“This article belongs in the science fiction section. Not only will the person using this advice fail in their attempts, it will also enforce the idea that the girl in question is a first class piece of trash.”

“Ill most def play along to shag you and show u up for the tart that you are.”

There you go girls, do not follow this advise. If you really need advice, just ask me, I’ll be honest and as helpful as possible.

I promise.

POSITIVE THINKING...

2008-08-25T08:22:00.003+02:00

Morning darling,

I read something the other day regarding mental exercises, positive and forward thinking. It was all rather interesting, and involved, so I won't get into it now. Instead I'll apply some of my learnings in an effort to start your week off with something that will benefit you.

What I want you to do, when I tell you to, is have a good look at the picture below. Decide how it affects you and how you would like it to affect you, then visualise it. 60% of the time positive visualisation works all of the time. If it doesn't, check out a porn site.

Ok, you can look.

Just think about that.

Think about Adriana.

OLYMPIC FUCK SHOW...

2008-08-22T14:34:00.002+02:00

what the Cape Argus really wanted to say.

Front page headline, right now, reads "It's a horror show" obviously meaning "It's a fuck show".

SPONGE-BOB SPOTTED IN HILLBROW...

2008-08-22T10:22:00.003+02:00

an example of a group mail you can send to me.

Sponge-Bob - just chilling.

As I've said before, don't send me crap. If, however, you have something of quality to offer, like the above, feel free to send it on.

Thanks again, Melly

TOP BILLINGS JANEZ VERMEIREN...

2008-08-22T10:05:00.002+02:00

something for the girls.

So I just happened to catch a bit of Top Billing last night, I assure you it was not intentional. I want to discuss Janez Vermeiren, but first let’s just clear something else up. Why the fuck do they need a narrator when they have a presenter? It’s redundant for one and bloody annoying for another. Why can’t the presenters just do all the talking?

Janez: “Today I’ll be removing my shirt and discussing home décor tips.”

Narrator: “Janez removes his shirt using the two-arm-crossover technique and tosses it casually onto the designer leather couch, upon which he will screw the makeup artist after shooting.”

Anyway, let’s move onto our boy Janez. The first time I heard of this guy was a couple of years ago when he won the Men’s Health Cover Model thing – I think. Anyway he has exploded since then. This is neither here nor there. Let’s discuss his roll on Top Billing.

He is, I am sure, primarily there to increase the female viewer demographic. In the last three or four “episodes” that I flicked through, Janez has kept his shirt on precisely naught times. It never stays on. There is always an excuse to take it off.

Narrator: “Tonight Janez will be sampling some local delicacies at the stunning Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town.”

Janez: “Wow just look at this starter, I can’t imagine what I am in for when the main course arrives. I better take my shirt off.”

Why? It’s effing annoying. Especially because the guy has a twelve pack. Dude, its winter, the rest of us haven’t got into the gym yet, you are making us look bad.

This is what I am talking about. Girls, I thought I’d put up a Friday’s Friend for you today as well. Just because you have been so patient.

Janez - Doing a piece on orphans in South Africa.

I can just imagine half the women in South Africa, and other African countries that get SABC 3, creaming themselves on the couch every Thursday night. Just waiting for him to take his top off during the piece on endangered animals in South Africa, and the architects that use them as inspiration.

Well girls, enjoy it, enjoy your little fantasy of you and Janez –without his shirt, happy and in love. It won’t last long, he’ll get a new makeup chick when he is done with his current and move onto her, she’ll be dynamite in the sack and you’ll be out the door. You really should have done that thing he asked you to do.

Don’t cry.

I’m just keeping it real for you.

FRIDAYS'S FRIEND - DASHA ASTAFIEVA...

2008-08-22T08:28:00.001+02:00

Hef’s new play thing.

Morning darling, I have a lovely friend for you today. She is causing quite a fuss in the Playboy mansion, as Hef has taken quite a liking to her, much to the annoyance of his three current birds.

Her name is Dasha Astafieva, a brunette (finally) Ukrainian model. Hef met her on a shoot and after watching her flash her vagina for a bit, decided that he would quite like to actually be in her instead of just watching. And you know what they say, once you go Ukrainian you’ll want to keep her around your house for a bit and order more Viagra.

Let’s have a look then.

Lovely.
Bit of an Angelina vibe going on there? Just a bit?

NSFW gallery.

You just carry on living the dream Hef.

SISTERS...

2008-08-22T08:25:00.000+02:00

Naughty.

Thanks Melly

LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS...

2008-08-21T09:15:00.002+02:00

sometimes a change is needed.

I’ve been with Marissa Lopez for a couple of months now. Things are going well. She’s a real darling. Always there when I need her, she keeps me warm, and she always gets a lot of attention. Lately, though, the whole commitment thing is weighing me down. I feel like I need a change.

Look, I’m not a total arsehole, Marissa and I have been together for some time now. A lot of work and commitment has gone into our relationship – a beautiful mullet doesn’t suddenly appear. I don’t want to cut our relationship short, I still want to see her. I guess the question is, can I have my macaroni cheese and eat it?

Not being able to decide what to do for myself, I turned to the one person I can always count on – the internet. I met her at “Google”, for some coffee, explained my situation and asked her a million questions. I told her I didn’t want to give Marissa the boot and that if we spiced things up a bit, I believed, the relationship could be saved. Eventually she came up with a solution. The fact that we found it on an Asian Men’s Hairstyle Site is neither here nor there.

There it is – neater, slimmer, and all together sexier. A little spicing up of the current Marissa. Obviously Marissa is quite a bit longer than the angel pictured above, but you can get the basic idea of what we will be working toward.

It’s a proven fact that when things aren’t going to well between two lovers, adding a little something extra into the equation normally sorts things out. Plus summer is on the way, and this new style will no doubt improve my aerodynamics, therefore aiding me in my get-fit-for-summer mission.

If all goes to plan I should be stroking the new and improved Marissa tonight.

I’ll think of you, if you want?

WIFE BEATING...

2008-08-20T17:47:00.002+02:00

sometimes your heart tells you to do it.

God, I love these guys.

I, of course, do not condone or encourage the beating of women.

Just thought I would clear that up.

RIGHTEOUS KILL...

2008-08-20T09:53:00.001+02:00

has a lot of potential.

Featuring two of my favourite “actors” (I suspect these two could actually be killers), Righteous Kill may be something to look forward to. The trailer didn’t really grab me by my balls but it definitely shows some promise.

Pacino is, and always will be, a hard mother. Any fan of the classic gangster (never to be confused with the soft hip hop gangstars) films knows this guy is the shit. You must watch the shortened version of one of the all time greats - Scarface.

De Niro, I think, has lost a little of his edge, thanks mostly to his comedy parts. I am prepared to look past those, in the hope that he delivers in this movie. Still, he’s not someone I would fuck around with. Check some “director” piss off our boy here.

That’s enough from me, watch the trailer.

Could be good, I hope.

The last great collaboration by these guys was Heat, and if they can do something similar with this one I’m sure we will be in for a good one.

Now get outta here.

ISLA FISHER BIKINI PICS...

2008-08-19T17:37:00.000+02:00

...are different.

Hello darling, I know this is late but I have been very busy with very important things today, things that will benefit you shortly.

Anyway, I have been bombarded with bikini pictures of late, many, many disgustingly hot celebs just chilling in their little pieces of material. Too many for me to put up for you right now. I will, however, put this one up for you.

Mmmm, I’m not quite sure what to do with that.

In case you didn’t notice, that is Isla Fisher, Borat's wife. Not ringing any bells? How about the Stage 6 clinger from Wedding Crashers? Yes, that’s the one.

I love chicks that dig the beach, even better, I love chicks that can join in on the beach. A bit of cricket, beach bats, swimming, etc, but I’m not quite sure how I would handle the Goose launching into a full cartwheel. I really have no idea what I would do.

Perhaps turn around and walk the other way.

SACS BEAT WYNBERG...

2008-08-18T12:03:00.004+02:00

a little too badly perhaps.

As a SACS old boy, I was rather worried about the SACS, Wynberg 1st Team rugby result, from this past weekend. Just the other day SACS was implicated in a sex scandal. Now, after moving past that horrible incident, we (the SACS old boys and current “learners”) have to deal with this…

SACS 47 - 5 Wynberg

I’m no lawyer, and I don’t know all the correct legal jargon, but I’m quite sure that score line is representative of a full ass raping. In other words SACS molested Wynberg.

It seems they (Wynberg) tried to fight back a little, but in the end I think it’s plain to see that the Wynberg boys gave up, bit the pillow and received a solid buggering.

Here, bite this and keep quiet.

I do hope they (Wynberg) don’t cry about this for too long.

MADONNA TURNS 500...

2008-08-18T09:00:00.003+02:00

can we all move on now?

Would that be ok with you, World Media? I think I speak for the general public of THE WORLD when I say we have now had about as much as we can handle of the old, dried out skank.

If I hear one more song, birthday message or see one more picture of the hag I will most certainly deposit my partially digested breakfast all over my keyboard.

Look, I can appreciate what she has done, I just can’t stand the bitch. Even though She has done some naked stuff...

So let’s move on, or put her in a museum.

Make up your mind.

HOG CALLING COMPETITION...

2008-08-15T15:51:00.001+02:00

won by a fat pig.

This is not ideal for a Friday afternoon, not ideal at all. In fact, it very nearly put me in a fucking bad mood after I watched it. Which is exactly why you have to watch it.

It’s like the “this smells like shit, here smell it” comment. Jesus Christ! I know what shit smells like, and I don’t want to smell it. But secretly you do. Don’t lie darling, you need to know just how bad it is, so next time you smell something really siff you can compare the two.

That is exactly why you have to watch the below video. It features a fat whore calling for pigs – during a pig calling competition, obviously.

Jesus! You actually watched that. Did it put you in a bad mood? Go have a beer, you deserve it.

I’m off to Forries. See you there.

Oh and she won, just by the way.

FRIDAY'S FRIEND - LERYN FRANCO...

2008-08-15T11:18:00.005+02:00

as we check out an Olympic stunner.

So there’s this thing going on at the moment called the “Olympics”. Basically a bunch of people who are really, really good at sport have all gone to a country in China or Japan, or is it Tokyo?

Anyway it’s quite exciting, lots of muscular guys for the girls to look at and loads of leotard clad 16-year-old girls for the guys to look at – they seriously need to up the age of girl athletes, it just feels wrong watching those girls doing gymnastics.

The other sports seem to have a better age demographic, and seeing as it is Friday, I though I would stick to the Olympic theme. So, courtesy of Campbell the Great I would like to introduce you to Leryn Franco, an angel from Paraguay, which is in Australia I think. She is a Javelinist (I just made that word up right now and I think it’s awesome, like pianist).

Let’s have a look.

For full story and pics click here

KEVIN BLOODY WILSON LIVE IN SOUTH AFRICA...

2008-08-15T11:00:00.001+02:00

it’s about fucking time.

Those of you who don’t like rude words should look away or put on some ear muffs for the rest of this post.

South Africa is about to be sworn at by Kevin Bloody Wilson. If you don’t know who he is I suggest you slap yourself and wake the fuck up, check out his bio and watch the below clip – it’s his famous DILLIGAF song.

Lovely, I think I’ll get one of those shirts. Feel free to brows around YouTube, there are a few other great ones in there.

You must book early for this show, tickets will be sold out shortly. I’ve made it very easy for you, just click here to book.

I pity the fool who misses this.

1000 TINY THINGS I HATE...

2008-08-15T10:02:00.003+02:00

a new one for the favourites list.

Morning darling,

I have something that should start your Friday off quite nicely. I came across it whilst browsing through this months Cosmo (ahem). It’s a blog…

sorry I just got sick, it happens after I use that word. In fact from now on we (you and I) are banned from ever uttering, or writing, that godforsaken word – ever!

Ok, so it’s a page on the “internet” onto which Jon Brown posts all the little, everyday things that really piss him off. The things that piss everyone off really, which is why it is such a great time waster.

He is actually a comedic writer, in real life, which shows in his posts. You will laugh when you read this, and you will be able to relate to 90% of the 1000 little things that Jon Brown hates. That is why you must read it.

Here is his first post ever, the first of 1000 little things.

#0001 THIS MAN, EATING CARROTS.

'This Man' in isolation, I like. He's called Pete and I'm working with him on a BBC1 show at the moment, and he's funny and intelligent. Funny and intelligent enough to make you hate him, in fact. But I don't. I like him. Really.

Add 'This Man' to the action 'Eating Carrots', however, and the results are appalling. A percussive blast of cracks, snorts and slaps, it sounds like a piglet being kicked down a flight of stairs. Or a human beatbox drowning in a vat of chewing gum. If Satan has a ring-tone, this is it.
But, you know, I've found a way to cope with it. From now on, when it's a carrot day, I just eat my lunch in the car.

In a word? Perfect.

Check it out here.

Thank me later.

PARIS HILTON IS BACK...

2008-08-14T15:00:00.004+02:00

and looking as good as ever.

Finally baby! Why have you been so quiet? I know you did that little political thing, but that’s just not what we are used to. Was it something I said? It was the fake tan story wasn’t it? How many times do I have to apologise? Ok lets talk about it later, when we get home, let’s not make a scene here.

I’m just glad you are back.

Let’s have a closer look at that little bit of heaven.

Did God mould that himself?

How is that for a come back darling? Phenomenal. Let’s not even discuss her friends in the picture.

These were taken at The Playboy Mansions Midsummer Nights Dream party, last weekend. The same party that our boy Jason Statham was escorted out of, and not for being a bit rough with the girls. He was asked to leave because he wouldn’t pose with the bunnies (weird).

Anyway, nice to see you again baby.

FTV CAPE TOWN...

2008-08-14T14:35:00.004+02:00

the ONLY place to be tonight.

Hello darling,

drop whatever or whomever you are doing tonight. Whatever you had planed will never be as good as what’s going down at FTV tonight. Have a look.

Maybe a bit small to read? Not a problem, just read through this list:

Charity Rock Concert in aid of SADD (South Africans Against Drunk Driving)Will be hosting the following line up:

BADYN
AUTOPILOT
THE BEAMS
PLUSH
JESSE JORDAN
THE DIRTY SKIRTS

DEAN FUEL
NICK SUPPLY
JONO STYXX
STEVE HYPA
PASCAL
PHONICS

GEORGE SAX
CHRIS ANGEL

PAUL SNODGRASS
DAVID NEWTON

* All proceeds go to SADD *

Ticket holders get 10% discount on Rikkis Taxis to and from the event.*Tickets available at Computicket outlets nationwide*Regular (marquee) - R90VIP (inside FTV) - R150

That, my angel, is what you called a fucken awesome lineup. I am pretty sure the organizers would have a problem squeezing in an extra fart on stage.

Obviously we (you and I) are very excited about PLUSH and the Dirty Skirts (whose new album is phenomenal, just buy the way). Quite keen to see the Beams as I have heard good things about them. Let’s not even discuss the DJs, I would like to get through the rest of the day without my head exploding.

See you there darling.

TEAZERS RIVONIA...

2008-08-14T13:02:00.007+02:00

not the cheapest jol.

Check this out, in its entirety first – so you can pick up on the whole vibe.

Ok, let’s have a closer look.

Not a bad effort for a cover of three (3), which means three people at the table, in stripper slang.

11 Private dances at R6000 gront, 6 Lap Dances, 3 Table Dances and one G String Dance (a bit redundant considering) is rather good going. The chicks must have been loving these big spenders. They obviously made it their mission to sample every dancer in the strip club as none of the girls appear more than once on the bill.

They didn’t do too badly on the booze front either. A case of beer, among the mandatory tequilas and other spirits gets a big A for effort. Note the two USN energy drinks at the bottom. Our boys were obviously feeling a bit strained after 21 Dances and enough booze to drown a fish.

Well done guys.

Sort of reminds me of my night in the same "club" with the Musk. The night a middle aged couple invited us in and paid for table dances and drinks the entire night before asking us to come home with them.

Thanks Nicole

CYANIDE AND HAPPINESS...

2008-08-13T12:06:00.004+02:00

a little cheeky.

As if this mornings quote wasn't enough...

I want to meet the guys who come up with these.

It's on my to-do-list.

JIMMY JUSTICE...

2008-08-13T11:24:00.002+02:00

catching cops being pigs.

Last night I felt like a spot of comedy, so I switched from Anchorman – The legend of Ron Burgundy, to the ETV news. I could very well have chosen SABC 3 news, both shows are hilarious. They somehow manage to turn real news stories into comical masterpieces. Look, the cast of these “skits” really ups the comical value, but let’s not detract from the genius of the reporters.

Anyway, one of the stories caught my attention. It covered “activist” Jimmy Justice, an American with way too much time on his hands. Basically he spends his time catching cops breaking the law. He films them and then uploads all his stuff onto YouTube. Below is the best one I have seen, and the one featured on the comedy news show last night.

“Are you on drugs?!”

“What are you going to do? Bite me with your gold tooth?”

While I can appreciate what this guy is trying to do, and as much as I LOVE the above quotes, I question his behaviour. A little over the top perhaps? Obviously in the overly politically correct United States this guy is safer than Paris Hilton in my arms. I would love to see someone try this shit here in South Africa. The oak would have the crap beaten out of him.

The cops here don’t stuff around. You may remember the Stellenbosch dilemma that happened a while ago. There were hundreds of witnesses who recorded the pigs breaking the law. Not that that made a difference. The muff just took the phones and beat the owners.

Anyway, we need a Jimmy Justice. Any volunteers? Send me any pics or videos, I’ll put them up.

Together we can bring the law to justice!

EMAIL FILTH...

2008-08-13T09:39:00.001+02:00

sometimes it’s good.

I received this gem this morning, via Forbs.

Kev you really need to get back on the booze!

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister....tastes the same, but there's something not quite right about it.

Naughty.

Write that down. Remember it, it will come in handy.

I'VE QUIT SMOKING...

2008-08-12T08:32:00.003+02:00

I can do it when I want.

I think it’s quite safe to say that I have stubbed out my terrible, yet very enjoyable, smoking habit – well, for now.

You see people get the wrong idea. I don’t smoke because I absolutely have to. I don’t crave it. I can function perfectly fine without a cigarette for days. It’s just that when I do smoke I REALLY enjoy it. It obviously goes very well with drinking, something I also just happen to really enjoy – but can do without.

Anyway, apparently the positive effects of quitting start taking effect within twenty minutes, and in just 48 hours my ability to smell will improve, as well as my taste. This is obviously good news, as I’ve always considered myself a man of good taste and if it improves even more I am sure to get some action out of the Goose.

Apparently I am also fucking brave.

“It takes courage to put down that last cigarette and quit smoking. Most people feel an intense combination of fear and excitement leading up to their quit date. Feeling afraid to quit smoking is completely normal.”

I hear words like "intense fear" and "afraid", to be honest they make me laugh. Those "feelings" don't effect me, which means I am basically a hero. Touch me.

I could get into the long term benefits of quitting, like longer life, healthier lungs, decreasing risk of heart disease etc, etc, but we are already half way through August, which means December is only three and a half months away (Christmas wish list coming out soon so start saving), and I quite enjoy smoking over the festive season.

There were seven commas in that last sentence, I’m not sure if that is strictly legal, I don’t really care. I’m a bit of a Maverick when it comes to this thing called “English” and I’ll do with commas what I please.

Anyway, I’m getting healthier by the minute. Summer is on the way. What are you doing about it? You are running out of time darling.

Let’s get healthy so we can binge over the festive season.

MONDAY MORNING CATCH-UP...

2008-08-11T16:09:00.000+02:00

because I just want you to know.

Ok so it’s not Monday morning, here in sunny South Africa, but it’s not all about you my darling. I’m no geologist but I’m quite confident that somewhere in the world it’s quite early in the morning. Somewhere some guy has just woken up and is battling to empty his throbbing bladder due to his raging morning glory he just can’t get rid of.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you missed quite the soiree, hosted by BJ at the infamous Stear Palace, this past Saturday. It all started at around the same time the Argentineans…Argentines…Argenteens…Sandiagons? received a good buggering courtesy of the Boks.

Things really got out of hand quickly. By the time I finished my first bottle of whisky (ahem) it was only 9pm. My realising that it was still so early stirred up a few emotions. At first a great sense of pride filled me from my liver up, a bottle of whisky under the belt and it was only 9pm, I would like to point out that, at this stage, I was still quite lucid and had only become “one with the floor” once.

Then, with a deep feeling of embarrassment, I realized I had just finished my booze, and it was only 9pm. I pride myself on over delivering on the booze front, as there are always those that feel free to help themselves to unattended hooch. Now, I don’t attend functions with the intent of supplementing these people, I do it to ensure that I never run out. I was most certainly stuck up a tree without a paddle.

Whilst I weighed up my options and debated giving up drinking all together - for the remainder of Saturday, I helped myself to a bit of vodka that I found on the bar. No one was paying much attention to the poor thing and I didn’t think it would hurt to have a few sips while I resolved the terrible situation I had landed myself in. I can’t really remember what I decided to do in the end or the point of me telling you this, but there you go.

Moving on – quickly.

It was a phenomenal evening, and surprisingly none of the two hundred people that attended went out after – not even to the Stripped Kitten. Surely a first. I also made a few new friends. Friends that may or may not have a part to play in the new bangersandnash.com. Which I may or may not tell you about before it happens, but maybe after, sometimes, or before, depending if I want to, or don’t want to.

Either way you will be a part of it.

Don’t you worry.

YOU MUST WATCH THIS...

2008-08-08T16:21:00.004+02:00

you have no option.

This just arrived in my "inbox" via Daavie P's "outbox". Stop what you are doing and pay attention.

Watch

This

Video

NOW!

Fucken awesome!

PARIS HILTON VS McCAIN...

2008-08-08T09:33:00.003+02:00

the real presidential race.

God, this is just too beautiful! There is a three way battle in the “States” between Paris Hilton, McCain and Obama, to see who will become the next president of the United States of America. Let’s have a look at some of the latest ad campaigns.

The first is from McCain’s camp – watch it quick as his IT geeks are all over this one like a fat kid on two birds in a bush. It keeps getting taken off YouTube.

Quick, watch it.

Not bad, but let’s have a look at Paris Hiltons reply.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Beautiful.

We haven’t seen much of our Princess of late, which has been disappointing to say the least, so it is really great to see her come back with something as brilliant as this. If anything her legs get my vote – you have to admit, they are perfect. I would definitely let her legs lead me. Actually if her legs were a dictatorship I would let them do exactly as they wanted with me.

Let’s not even get started on the rest of her. I’m just glad she is back. Now give me a bit of “quiet time” with her, it’s been so long.

That’s it.

Run along.

ALENA SEREDOVA - FRIDAYS FRIEND...

2008-08-08T08:32:00.003+02:00

is a delicious Czech.

Hello darling, I trust you are well. Great.

I have a hectic day today. Time is but few, as they say "behind the curtain". I have a cocktail tasting at 11am and a lunch at Beluga at 12:30. Possibly a drink at the “work” bar after, I just don’t know if I’ll have enough time.

So I’m not going to do a full intro, and as you know I can’t upload pictures (fucking blogger.com), a problem that will be sorted soon. I promise.

Moving on.

In the mean time you will have to settle for a video. Not a bad compromise.

If you want to know all the documented facts on Alena Seredova you can check her wiki page. If you want to familiarise yourself with the more important facts about this angel you should have a look at her phenomenal gallery of perfection. You may want to have a little click over here as well. She definitely gets a big thumbs up for her effort on the personal grooming front.

Very naughty.

DIMITRI THE LOVER...

2008-08-07T10:02:00.001+02:00

the Casanova of the 21st century.

I know this clip has already done the rounds, it was brought to my attention my Daav a few weeks back, but you simply must watch/listen to it. Plus, as I said earlier, blogger.com is stuffing me around AGAIN, and I am having problems posting the content and pictures that I want to post, so hold thumbs for Fridays Friend – it may not happen tomorrow.

If you have been treated to the phenomenon that is Demitri the Lover I am sure you won’t mind watching/listening again. Those of you who have no idea what I am talking about need to watch/listen to the below clip now.

Words can not describe.

That man lives and breathes somewhere on planet Earth.

Beautiful.

IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE...

2008-08-06T13:26:00.001+02:00

because you deserve better.

Hello darling, you may have noticed the sporadic pattern of my “posts” of late. Once again blogger.com is trying to bugger me in the boys change rooms. I have been having major issues with posting, especially putting up pics. I have now had enough.

I know you need your daily serving, and what’s more, you deserve it. What with all the “work” you have to get done in a day. So in an effort to give you exactly what you want, a few things are going to change around here. All I need you to do is be patient. You will still get your daily serving, sometimes it may just be a bit late.

I’ll let you know exactly what’s going on as soon as it affects you.

It’s going to be great, it’ll bring us closer together. I will basically be able to touch you, exactly where you want me to.

I can’t wait.

ANGELINA GIVES BIRTH TO THE WORLDS ONLY HOPE...

2008-08-05T15:51:00.003+02:00

after three year pregnancy.

Finally Angelina has given birth and the first picture of the chosen ones has arrived (having problems uploading pics – effing blogger.com). Bit of an anticlimax really, I mean the hype around the pregnancy was massive. How long was Angelina actually pregnant for?

Some experts suspect conception took place somewhere around August 2005, though the general consensus seems to be November 05. Either way Angelina has popped out the twins that have been living in her for at least 30 months.

Doctor Smith explains how one would measure the length of any given celebrities pregnancy:

“It’s quite simple really, you just take the status of the celebrity (Angelina is an A), multiply that by the humanitarian work they do, multiply that by the hotness of the celeb, add the value (out of 10) attached to their partner (Brad), finally multiply that answer by the media clusterfuck (M) they cause ever time they fart. That will give you the expected length of the pregnancy.

So A x Saint x 10 + 10 = X

Therefore:

X x M = E

That E actually stands for ERROR. My calculator can’t handle the duo that is Brangelina, they are simply too fucking hot. God, I want them inside me.”

In non-scientific terms the media frenzy that surrounds a celeb pregnancy like Brangelina's prolongs it by months, sometimes years at a time. Eventually the general public, of the world, automatically vomit in their mouth every time they hear a story about the twins Brangelina is going to shit out – which is every other minute.

Now, after all the fuss over the last three years the saviours of mankind and American have finally fallen out of Angelina Jolie’s Vagina (yes her vagina is a proper noun).

As a result of being in the womb for so long the twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline (okaaay), are already fluent in fifty-six languages, have met the Dali Lama, produced two number one-hit-singles and written an Award winning documentary on the inside of Angelina’s Vagina, featuring a few short cameos by Brad Pitts penis tip – it’s set to kill at Sundance this year.

It’s only a matter of time before these two get rid of the “show kids” (Maddox, that African kid, etc), settle in with their folks and embark on total world domination.

The ten million pounds they should fetch for the first photo set should start them off quite nicely.

ROCKING THE DAISIES 2008...

2008-08-05T09:56:00.002+02:00

5 things you really need to take.

Right now, at this very moment, South Africa’s “bloggers” (God I hate that word) are whoring themselves out in an effort to win some pretty amazing stuff, courtesy of digicape - iPod classic, iPod touch, nuff said. It’s all part of a competition the crew from Rocking the Daisies are running.

It’s quite clever really. To enter one has to link to the main page, as well as the sponsors. Then “tag” a few fellow “bloggers” (gag). The winner is the “blogger” (vomit) who receives the most tags. Quite a lot of free advertising for the sponsors.

If I were to enter, obviously I would have to find the time and get over the fact that I would be stooping rather low - basically whoring myself, I would probably tag Shaun, Peas, Red Herring, Rouvanne, Cherryflava, and these naughty guys.

That’s not all. Obviously the guys want a bit of content, so whom ever enters (slut) would have to list five, that’s 5, things that they simply could not do with out at this years Rocking the Daisies. As a veteran of the festival, I did my first tour back in 2006 – ya, I was there at the beginning, I know the difference between a necessity and a luxury item.

Don’t burden yourself with luxuries like toilet paper, toothpaste, tents, sleeping bags, sunscreen, etc. This is a rock festival darling. Though, there is no need to abandon your usually high standards of hygiene. Someone else will always have the above items. The five most important things you will need are listed below:

1: A towel - cleanliness is close to godliness, and after rocking it hard the whole of Friday, and hooking up with that pigtailed blonde, you will need a wash. Don’t bother with the showers. You are camping, it’s time to embrace the great outdoors. Borrow some soap and hit the dam, it’s invigorating and actually warmer than you think.

2: Plastic water bottle (water optional) – you will need this for the stage area. All the booze you need is on sale, however, the cups are not suitable for holding your poison whilst you thrash around like an imbecile to the Dirty Skirts. Use the water bottle instead, it’ll greatly increase your chances of actually getting the alcohol inside your body, instead of over it.

3: Condoms – let’s not be ignorant darling. This is a rock festival, sex with random people will happen. Let’s all keep safe. Play “just the tip, just to see how it feels”, but play it responsibly (probably the only responsible thing you should do the entire weekend).

4: A cooler box, full of booze – there is booze on sale at the stage area, but you can’t stay up there for three days. Plus, the bars only open in the late morning and you will need your first drink after your refreshing swim in the dam.

5: Camera – this will be a weekend to remember, filled with many moments you won’t remember. Don’t let alcohol ruin your memories, take the camera out with you and capture them all.

So that’s it really. Like I said, tents, torches, sunscreen, toilet paper, etc, will all be readily available. Especially if there are girls in your camping posse. So be prepared for this years festival, 3 – 5 October. A good start would be to buy your tickets now – get them here.

Now, if I could only find the time to enter this damned competition. I’ll be a slut, for the prizes they are giving away, if I want to.

Don’t judge me.

TRIUMPH THE INSULT DOG...

2008-08-04T17:48:00.001+02:00

owns comic-con!

If you don’t know who Triumph the Insult Dog is you need to do two things, firstly, pull your head out of your ass and wake the hell up! More importantly, you need to go here and watch a few of his videos. He is too funny.

Basically Triumph is an extremely rude and hilariously funny dog that conducts interview in his own no hold bared way, and he never apologises. He attacks idiots, losers and fat people with the ferocity of a pit bull.

Most recently he visited Comic-con (a massive geek fest) and ripped into everyone. Have a look:

“That’s your beeper, it’s a message from reality!” Lovely!

I just love the tools who try to act cool after Triumph owns them.

Beautiful.

MONDAY MORNING CLUSTERFUCK...

2008-08-04T11:41:00.002+02:00

is today really happening to me?

Seriously, did I piss some higher power off this weekend? I strongly doubt it, seeing as I engaged in less irresponsible acts than a nun this weekend. It all started off very slowly with a few pints with the Second Best Dancer in Cape Town. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t enjoy the booze, and the positive effect it was having on my life by the time I left, but I decided to call it an evening and head on home to the Playhouse for a quite night with the Goose.

I got up early on Saturday and managed to squeeze both of my brothers rugby games in (they were playing at different schools) and the Rondebosch – SACS first team game. Let’s move on from that. Had a couple of beers with the old man, and left sober – a good effort on my behalf.

On the way home I witnessed 10-12 teens chuck fruit at a guy driving past them on a Vespa. They started running and he gave chase. There were quite a few of them so I turned round and chased from the other direction. As I rounded the corner the scooter dude had caught one of the fuckers, obviously the fat one, they never get away. Situation sorted, I headed home.

Later the Goose and I joined the family at Harbour House (I’ll tell you about this later – phenomenal). We were home early and I was relatively sober. Sunday, I popped into my moms spot for lunch with the other half of the family. Could I be better behaved?

As you may have noticed the above is all rather borning, which is exactly my point. I actually spent the entire weekend doing things for other people. Normally I am a selfish bastard on the weekend, well actually all the time. Now as a reward for all my effort I couldn’t have had a worse start to the week.

I left my car keys in the Gooses car - attached please find house keys. So I couldn’t even get a lift into “work” because I wouldn’t have been able to lock up. So the Goose came back, all the way from town and dropped off the keys.

Now late for work, I realise I have fuck all petrol, nice time to fill up. Then my phone stops working all together. The fucking thing won’t even turn on. No problem, I can handle that, I have email and can organise tonight’s poker via Outlook. That’s when my PC decided to join my cell in giving me the one-fingered-salute.

I need drugs and I need them coursing through my veins NOW.

I don’t give a fuck what they are, meds, anti depressants, marijuana, cocaine, alcohol, smut, I don’t care. Just give me something for the rage that is now an inferno slowly rising in my body. Someone may lose their life today. Seriously.

I’m going to get my cell and PC sorted out now. Do not get in my way, don’t cut me off in traffic, do not walk slowly in front of me, basically don’t breathe louder than is acceptable in public, or you will receive a swift kick to your groin area.

Ok then, have a lovely day.

Nash

Update:

This is late because my network crashed. Oh and it took the morons in the Vodacom shop half an hour to figure out that they couldn’t take my phone in without its box.

That’s not all, the computer shop “didn’t have stock” (whatever that means), so basically I have to wait (weird) and then go back to the same shop, for the exact same reason. None of the surrounding stores held stock either.

What the fuck is going on and who is behind it?

FRIDAYS FRIEND - LUCY BECKER...

2008-08-01T14:00:00.002+02:00

another British Glamour girl.

As I said earlier, I’m finished. I’m in no mood to write anything for you today, at the same time I don’t want the barrage of hate mail that will undoubtedly land in my inbox if I don’t put up a Fridays Friend for you.

So, luckily, Lucy Becker just happened to flash her goods earlier this week, and as a result popped up on the bangers and Nash radar. She is another in the long line of British Glamour Models, which basically means that she has huge tits and likes to show them off.

Let’s have a look then.

For full story and pics click here

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS - THE TRAILER...

2008-08-01T12:08:00.001+02:00

because I am about as inspired as my stapler right now.

Seriously, I had round two of the old mans 50th celebrations last night. He has decided to spread the celebrations over an entire week. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I do the same thing, but my brain is taking a bit of strain at the moment. Plus I am trying to sort Fridays Friend out for you, so be patient.

Here is the latest from the guys who brought you Superbad. It doesn’t look too bad either.

See more Judd Apatow videos at Funny or Die

See you later.

FACEBOOK IN REAL LIFE...

2008-08-01T11:57:00.001+02:00

Lovely.

GIRLS, TIME TO PAY ATTENTION...

2008-07-31T14:44:00.003+02:00

summer is just around the corner.

My baby, its August tomorrow. I know, it’s crazy, this year is just flying isn’t it? Before you know it you will be packing you beach bag (don’t forget the sunscreen) and heading down to Clifton. But are you ready to get near naked yet? Honestly?

I know summer probably feels far away, you probably think you have more than enough time to hit the gym and burn off that winter excess before the bikini comes out again. The truth is, and this is the truth, you really don’t have that much time. In just two month, that’s eight weeks darling, it will be October, or the fourth term (a unit of measurement I haven’t been able to move past since school).

I know, I know. Just calm down, sssh. Sit baba. Just take a few deep breaths and settle down. It’s going to be ok, I promise. Just pack your gym stuff tonight and hit the gym first thing tomorrow. Obviously you need some sort of a goal, these exercise routines rarely work unless you have something to work toward. It’s no use standing at the juice bar eying out the personal trainer. Centimetres don’t just fall off when the sun comes out.

Now because I care for you so much, I have taken the time to find a goal for you, something to strive toward. So, this is the look you should be going for this summer. I just know you can do it.

Marissa Miller = Toit. very, very TOIT.

Marissa Miller – what summer should look like.

It’s going to be tough but perseverance is key. If you need motivation just put your bikini on tonight and stand in front of the mirror, this approach always works for me. In fact I’ll be donning the g-string this evening to get that little bit of extra motivation.

Good luck.

HAPPY 50TH DAD...

2008-07-31T13:35:00.004+02:00

and thanks for the headache today.

The silverback of the Nash clan has reached the big 5 0. What an achievement. Let’s see another 50 on the scoreboard old man.

So yesterday, just after the massage, I joined the old man and his posse at Madera for a spot of lunch. I arrived just after 12:00, with the best intentions of getting out of there before 3pm. It didn’t happen.

We eventually left at 9:30. A solid effort was put in by all parties involved, with special thanks going to Jumbo who couldn’t put his wallet away. I suspect the specials board, pictured below, may have had something to do with the lack of moisture in my body, red eyes and churning stomach.

A three hour happy hour. Nothing wrong with that.

What was that?

The barmaid?

Forget about it! Devine. Do yourself a flavour and make sure you pop in for a drink when Jessica is on duty. Very naughty.

I don’t have a number, or an address, or a link, so if you don’t know where it is you may never get to experience it.

Ask your dad, he probably knows where it is.

CREATIVE TOUCH...

2008-07-30T12:10:00.003+02:00

you need to be touched by them.

Hello darling, I must apologise for my mood over the past few days. I had a little read over my last few posts and they are a little dark, to say the least. So, in an effort to lighten the mood, I decided I needed to be touched, and it had to feel good. A visit from Creative Touch was in order.

Everything was arranged and today two angels showed up, man are they good with their hands. Thirty minutes and I feel like I am floating. God, it’s amazing. Some of the other guys, here at “work”, got a dose of heaven as well. You should see us. We look like a bunch of medicated housewives.

You don’t even want to know how cheap it is, it’s laughable. At roughly R300/hour, you have no excuse not to make use of this service. Work chair massages are not the only service they provide, so check out their site and make a booking (ask for Rose). It’s to die for.

I love massages so much I may as well be a massage scientist. Now, as a massage scientist, I know massages decrease stress levels. Decreased stress levels lead to a 100% increase in productivity, 60% of the time. That’s a fact, you can’t argue with it.

Neither can your boss. So book an appointment for the entire office. You will be a hero.

A relaxed and stress free hero.

SA CRICKET WANK SQUAD...

2008-07-29T12:45:00.003+02:00

will someone please explain them to me?

It won’t come as a surprise to you that I am no fan of the current SA Wank Squad, especially if you have read this. Before you get all worked up, I do support them and I love cricket. It’s the actual players I have a problem with. Not all, just a few.

Mostly the younger boys or the “new school”. The old school fucken rocked, Jonty, Donald, Adrian, even Pollock. These new guys are right dicks. I didn’t just wake up this morning and arrive at this decision. If I can help it (which isn’t too often), I reserve judgment on people until I have an actual experience with them, sexual or not. I have had a few experiences, none of them sexual, with a few of the SA players.

Once upon a time, long ago, I was a barman at great pub that happened to be on a bend, in Constantia. The culprits, Boucher, Smith, de Villiers and the rest of their little posse, frequented the spot quite often. I’m not going to get into all the stories from the waitresses, waiters and my fellow barmen. We spent time serving them, we even spent time out with them. The bottom line is, these guys are cocks. This is not only my opinion.

Look, to be fair, I also saw how much shit they have to put up with. Lot’s of drunken fools telling them how to play, or what to do, etc, etc. Shame. Moving on.

Besides the above accounts, a few of the Bangers and Nash Posse members have had some dealings with these guys. Some intimate (and apparently pathetic…ahem), and some not intimate at all. Same conclusion as above.

I’ve had numerous requests to put something up about these guys, and a headline I read today prompted me to finally do it. Though, there isn’t much to say really. You can’t describe why someone you meet or deal with is an absolute colon cowboy, you just know. I can try tell the stories but let’s be honest, it won’t really get the point across. What I can do is leave you with two points.

Firstly, I heard today that SA Cricket will be unleashing the fury of Gunther, Andre Nels alter ego, on the English.

Take your time and read that again. Andre Nel has an alter ego, named Gunther.

WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.

Gunther is the name of the fucking waiter in Friends, NOT the name of an alter ego meant to wreak havoc and strike fear into the hearts of opponents. What’s worse, every news network is cumming all over themselves, trying to broadcast and print this story everywhere they can. It’s embarrassing, leave it alone.

Gunther - Nels devastating alter ego.

Secondly, our squad is lead by someone, who goes by the name of Biff. Now anyone (in South Africa) who is currently alive, knows that “biff” is another name for cum – something that is fired out of a penis, and onto a woman or women, during the male orgasm.

Our brothers and sisters around the world refer to a horrible, hanging, loose vagina with excess skin as a “biff”. Biff Tannen is also the name of the idiot in Back to The Future. An absolute moron is commonly known as a “biff”. In the US, a “biff” is also a guy with an extremely large ego, who cruises around, equipped with a popped collar, letting everyone know he is the shit.

Biff - nuff said.

Anyway you look at it, Biff (who apparently chose to be known by this name?) could also be known as Male Semen, Hanging Vagina or Dick Head.

I’ll let you make up your mind when you eventually run into these boys. But keep your eyes open as they tend to use the back entrances of the establishments they visit and wear caps to hide their faces - it’s what all the “celebrities” are doing.

Biff? Gunther?

Come now.

GIRLS KISSING GIRLS...

2008-07-29T12:41:00.002+02:00

something you should all think about.

My angel, I want you to watch the below video. Take it all in, and then we can chat.

Stunning wasn’t it? Katy Perry really has the right idea. Look how happy all those girls are. When last did you have that much fun? God, I bet you wish you could climb right into that video and join them.

Unfortunately you can’t. Sorry to be blunt, but it would be impossible to actually climb into the video. What you should think about is “recreating” that exact video. Get a few of your friends around, dress up in lingerie and touch each other where it feels good. You probably should, for your health, and the health of those you hold dear.

Film it so you can watch it again when you feel sad. Maybe send me a copy if you like, just to say thanks.

Girls kissing girls. It’s powerful stuff.

You can be part of it.

RED BULL BIG WAVE AFRICA 2008...

2008-07-28T14:49:00.002+02:00

an anniversary of sorts, with massive waves.

It’s done. The 10th annual BWA 2008 is finished. Twiggy won it, the waves were unbelievable, and you missed it. Don’t worry though, my angel, I missed it as well. Idiots! The lot of us. The finals were on a Saturday as well, to be more specific, Saturday 26 July, this past Saturday – the Saturday I decided to turn my cell off and do nothing. Fool!

Anyway, I got a heads up form The Second Best Dancer in Cape Town and Daavi P at precisely the same time. One via email, the other via SMS. It’s like they were reading each others minds and at the same time realised that they wanted to pleasure me with knowledge – together. A ménage a trios of sorts, with information and mind blowing waves.

I was not disappointed. As I said our local Cape Town boy Twiggy Baker (check his wrap sheet here, quite impressive) claimed first place. Like a foreigner was going to take it from us, come now. Thanks for coming, thanks for trying, come again.

None of the clips are on YouTube yet and I really don’t have the time to download software so that I can copy the videos onto my computer from the BWA site, then upload to YouTube, and then, and then. It’s a little too much admin for a Monday. I will, however, provide you with the link because, to be totally honest, you simply HAVE to watch them.

So click here and watch every heat, the semis and the final. Keep some toilet paper close by because these are extremely hot, a little naughty and rather erotic. Go watch.

Go now.

You liked those didn’t you? Don’t be coy with me. Admit it.

That’s better.

MISS ENGLAND 2008 - WINNER...

2008-07-28T08:41:00.004+02:00

nothing to get too excited about.

What an anticlimax my darling. Though, it could have been worse. We have been following this story for a few months now, you obviously remember this story of the uh, big girl, making the finals – if not you may want to play a bit of catch up, otherwise the rest of this may not make as much sense.

I think the results of Miss England are a fair indication of just how much we can trust voters’ opinion. Have a look at the 2008 Finalists, now have a look at the winners.

2nd, 1st, 3rd.

Winner Laura Coleman: “I would much rather be a beauty queen than a model!”

Look, she’s not ugly. I am sure you wouldn’t kick her out of bed for farting. I’m just saying, she could have said no to that second helping.

Anyway, something is not quite right with the top picture, especially when you see who these winners were up against, absolute stunners. Well, some of them, but that’s another story all together. Basically, what I am trying to say is that England has voted these three as the best representatives for England, for 2008. So there were no better candidates?

This is a Miss England beauty pageant, not a fucking pity party or pie eating competition. Only the best and most beautiful should win. It’s always been like that. Beauty pageants are an institution, with a history of crowning stupid yet incredibly gorgeous angels. There is no room in this world for new age beauty pageants, filled with progressive forward thinking judges, or public voters.

Just because a fat chick makes it into the finals, as a result of her backward town voting for her, does not give you (the general British public) the right to vote for her in the final and disregard the age old rules of a beauty pageant. Ditsy, unintelligent women, with perfect bodies, ridiculously big smiles and well rehearsed “save the children” answers should always win.

I know what happened though. You (the general British public) saw Chloe, the big one, on stage and thought “Shame, look at her. She is so brave going up there in front of the world, in a bikini five times to small for her, surrounded by stunning girls. Let’s vote for her.”

IN – COR – RECT! You have failed – F. 0 out of 10.

Actually, congratulations! You have just promoted mediocrity, and that is an understatement. Not everyone is equal and not everyone is beautiful. Some people have really nice personalities, and the face of a donkey’s arse. But they probably know where they fit in best, and excel in that arena.

You don’t see your national rugby side entering the Men’s Health model search, because they know they are fucking ugly and stand no chance. They also know they can beat ten shades of blue into just about any man on the street, so they play rugby. It’s common sense to stick with what you are good at. Now I know some of you are arguing that Chloe came second. Big wank. She came second because of stupid, board, fat, voters.

I’m not saying she is ugly. She has a beautiful face, which can get one far in life. And I am not saying she can’t be a model, Donna Clair is always looking. This is actually in no way a judgment on her, rather on the circumstances. I think she has done amazingly well. Honestly, it must have taken a serious amount of courage for her to get up there and I have a huge amount of respect for her. It paid off to. She came second, breaking all norms and pioneering a wider, flatter path for all bigger girls to follow. But she shouldn’t have, and that’s my point.

It is you that I am having a go at. If our reasons for voting, in whatever process, are justified by our emotions instead of fact, we will end up with a bunch of middle-of-the-road, mediocre, soft cocks running the world. There are winners and losers, fat people and thin, good looking and ugly, funny and boring, it’s the way of the world.

Survival of the people-who-know-people, natural selection, that sort of thing.

Just ask Darwin

SAY HI TO AUDRINA PARTRIDGE...

2008-07-25T14:50:00.003+02:00

come on, do it for daddy.

Chrrrist it’s 2:30 on Friday already. How time flies. Though I have had a rather productive day. It started off pretty early with a little trim of Marissa, then on to coffee with mom (I am the perfect son), followed by a little shopping spree at the Side Walk Sale in Cavendish, several pulls on a tight one, a couple of ales, and here I am. Trying to decide who to introduce you to today (say that quickly a few times, pal).

It’s been quite the challenge. A little too demanding actually. So I have chosen not to search out a friend for you, but rather to dig into the archives and hopefully pull out a stunner. And I sure did. Her name is Audrina Partridge of The Hills fame. I don’t know what the hell it is, some show about rich kids, I think. That’s irrelevant, let’s move on.

A few nude shoots have surfaced, two of which you can find here and here, starring Audrina’s rather pert breasts. Let’s have a look then.

I’m fine with that. Maybe a bit too “American”, ifyanowhatimean. A little too fake perhaps, but then as they say “when in Rome, don’t kick a gift hoarse in the tits”. I couldn’t put that any better.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I can actually hear my Playstation and a large packet of Lays, Salt and Vinegar, calling my name.

Peace!

LEASING VERSUS PURCHASING...

2008-07-24T14:20:00.002+02:00

the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce:

Hello Darling, here’s a little something for you to think about. It’s an adaptation of an interesting email I received from the Second Best Dancer in Cape Town.

Aaaand…

GO!

After five years of marriage, Macca paid Heather $49 million as part of a divorce settlement. Assuming he got sex every night during their five year relationship (judges ruling? NOT fucking likely), each night would have cost him $26,849 – just to get his tip wet.

This is Heather – you can have her for $26 849 a night:

No thanks.

On the other hand (Darren), Elliot Spitzer's (ex New York Governor, who had to resign over this scandal) call girl, Ashley Dupre (professional name - Kristen), who, just by the way is an absolute belter, charges $4,000 an hour. This includes everything, although she probably wouldn’t come back if you shat on her chest.

Enjoy Ashley at an easy $4 000 per hour:

Very naughty.

I see she has collected a few tattoos since she first hit the press. You wouldn't need much more than an hour with this angel, but if you had to, you would be looking at just over six hours with Ash, for the same price as a night with Heather, whom I may add is almost half the woman Ash is (the leg thing darling - get with it).

I’ll get to the point. Had Macca "employed" Ashley for five years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for five years, a saving of $41.7 million. Remember that “sex” in this context is a serious understatement. Ashley is a pro, she has sex for a living – think about that. You would most certainly benefit from that. It would be like having Tiger Woods as your golf partner every time you played a round – you can’t lose.

Had Macca chosen to lease, rather than purchase, his perks would have include, but would not have been limited to: a 22-year-old nymphomaniac, no begging, no coaxing, no headaches, full bodied (ooh, bit harsh), no bitching, no visiting her folks, leaves once the jobs done and returns when needed - all at 1/7th of the cost, with no legal fees. But that's not all...

It’s pretty clear to see, especially during times like these, what with the increasing inflation and petrol price, our government, Kurt Darren and SABC - it’s all one big clusterfuck. Renting is obviously a safer option. Especially if one has a look at these naughty stats (of Ashley). It’s not a hard choice to make.

Unless you have already paid off your bond. If so, you should be enjoying some good return on your investment. Phrases like “going down”, “inflation”, “rising” and “compound interest” should have a totally different meaning to you.

It all goes to show, one should really try to get in there as early and as often as possible.

I’m off to try.

CHIN PUNCH...

2008-07-24T08:25:00.003+02:00

a game for the whole family.

Today didn’t start off too well. I forgot to top up on the toiletries front, and as a result I had to wash myself with the miniature shampoo I claimed after my night at The President (I knew it would come in handy!).

Anyway, it’s going to get a lot better. I have a lovely little clip for you. It’s from last Saturday. The Posse spent the morning at Forries, for the SA vs. Australia game (disappointing – moving on), and someone started a naughty game of Chin Punch. For those of you not in the loop, Chin Punch is a very basic game.

You may punch a friend on either side of his chin, as long as it is a “jab”, no bringing in the fist from behind the shoulder – this normally falls away after a few ales. Once you have punched him it’s his turn. It’s one for one, but how hard you hit will determine the reply. It’s very entertaining.

Unfortunately I didn’t get all the punches on “film”, but I got a few. I shall, however, endeavour to do better next time. As usual The Game of Life made an appearance.

Enjoy.

Just another normal Saturday morning.
You may want to watch that again, this time watch the reactions of everyone else, from beginning to end. Do it. It's hilarious.

My jaw has recovered sufficiently, and my lip has almost healed, so it looks like there may be another bout of Chin Punch this weekend.

Aaaadrrriaaaaaaaaaaaaannnn!

YOUR FEAR OF PUBLIC TOILETS...

2008-07-23T08:25:00.002+02:00

let's get over it together.

Don't be scared, just sit on it. You won't die.

It has come to my attention that many of you have problems releasing a Mugabe in a public toilet. Some of you even show disgust when I announce a school run. It’s all very confusing for me. I mean how could you sit around harbouring a fugitive whilst the rest of us are having such a good time?

You have many excuses as to why you prefer to play the home game, but I believe the major cause of your phobia is the bathroom itself. I have seen quite a few public bathrooms in my time, and I do agree that some are definitely not suitable as drop off points.

However a plan can always be made. Look, I’ve shot off a few torpedoes at Rocking the Daisies - a music festival with five port-a-loos and five thousand people, so I know how bad it can get. Let’s not discuss how terrible it can be, rather, lets talk about where it is safe for you to clear a traffic jam.

I want to help you. It’s never nice sporting a turtle head on a night out. It leaves you feeling very uncomfortable, and as a result you look uncomfortable. The pressure in your lower body is displayed clearly via your face – chicks don’t want to kiss a puckering ass hole. You need to offload that luggage. So, listen up boys and girls, here are a few tips.

If you have a problem with public toilets (weird) the first thing you should remember to do is clear the pipes before you go out. Surely that’s just common sense? A friends place is perfect for a tactical drop off. It's actually polite to make use of their toilets. If you forget to purge before heading out or have woken up in a strangers house with a full boot load, pay attention to the next few points.

Always be aware of your safe zones. Make sure you know where the closest Engen Garage is at all times. BP can provide a satisfactory drop zone - at times, Shell is often very dirty – if you can find the toilet, and Sasol staff obviously don’t need the toilet – ever. Engen is your safety bet, especially the ones with a Woolies.

That’s if there is no movie house near by. Obviously each movie house provides a different service, but if you can find a Nuevo you’ve hit the jackpot. People that frequent the arty movies rarely use the toilets. If you can get in there you should be able to squeeze one out in spotless surroundings.

The same goes for Banks (if they have toilets), top end restaurants, hotels, and the airport toilets that are the furthest from any restaurant or entrance.

If you are not presented with any of those first choice options scope out the closest restaurant – obviously one you are not eating in, people find it odd if you excuse yourself from dinner to drop off your breakfast. Just walk in, have a gander at the menu, walk toward the bar, and then slip into the loo.

Pub toilets are a different animal all together. They are fine in the morning, ok by late afternoon and disgusting by the evening. It’s all to do with the sobriety level of the user before you. If you plan on spending some time in a pub/bar, get the job done earlier rather than later.

A club is a true test. It’s still not impossible, unless you are in Wadda, a urinal is not a good place to drown a terrorist. What you want to do is head down to the bowling alley, it’s not bad. If you are in Tiger you are playing a different game. The alley is closed by then and there are only two stalls, I think. Both still have their toilet seats attached, thanks to constant security, so your desperate situation is easily solved with a quick seat wipe.

Those are all the dire situations I can think of for now. If you have any questions at all just email them to me and I will be glad to assist. You have no reason not to strangle one off in public. It’s quite liberating, you are making use of your tax money, and saving toilet paper. Plus if you do it during working hours, you are getting paid to shit, basically.

If you feel a bit anxious on the throne take out your phone, snap a picture of yourself and send it to a friend. Try think of some cleaver or amusing line to add to the photo. You’ll be taking your mind off the situation, and nature will take over from there.

It’s all very easy once you get the hang of it. Practice makes perfect and if you practise enough you’ll be deploying a diver and buying that cute blonde a shot before anyone even notices you’ve been gone.

It’s a lot better than cruising around the jol with a fugitive touching cloth.

Trust me.

BE - A - UTIFUL...

2008-07-22T16:13:00.004+02:00

a true feel good moment for SA Rugby.

I know we just lost to the fucken Australians, and that this clip is from last weeks historic win over the All Blacks, but it is just too good for me now to show you.

I was lead to it by none other than Shaun Oaks, who is now writing a weekly sports column. Anyway, you must watch it. A few things to watch out for, besides the clear emotion and joy of coach, Peter De Villiers;

- the first four hugs, Peter just about knocks over Matfield before launching into the others – beautiful
- Matfield's interview with Koubus – look how much shorter Matfield is, and he is a monster.
- Just after that have a look at De Villiers hugging Watson, pay attention to Watson. Could he have looked any more depressed? Is he an Emo? Will he ever cut himself? I have two words to describe Luke – Cock Face.

But besides that little moment, it’s an awesome clip. It pretty much overflows with every emotion imaginable. I had a lump in my throat, I’m not ashamed to say that either.

Have a look.

You no doubt remember this classic moment from the game.

Phenomenal.

Let’s go for another W boys.

MEET MARISSA LOPEZ...

2008-07-22T12:00:00.003+02:00

my new love.

They say that young hearts heal and love is found again, even after a great loss. I used to doubt “them”. How could I not? After my loss, some time ago, I felt bare, naked and alone. I thought I would never love again, until now.

I have found true love again, and I can honestly say it grows every day. In fact I am so overjoyed at the moment that I simply have to share the reason for my happiness with you. But first, a bit of background. You may remember this story about the loss of my last love.

I haven’t been able to read it since I wrote it (which I suppose is not such a bad thing, seeing as it looks as if I wrote it when I was ten), it just stirred up too much emotion. This morning, however, I read it, because this morning I am in love and nothing can dampen my mood.

Darling, I want you to meet Marissa Lopez. My warmth in the cold, my neck cushion on a hard couch, my play thing, my pen holder, a firm hand hold for the Goose during overzealous sexual exploits, and many, many other things.

Marissa Lopez - naked on my neck.

God, she is beautiful. Look how young she is, she doesn’t have too much length yet, but just look at how well she straddles my neck – like a pro.

Marissa Lopez and I met just a few months ago, but we already have an amazing connection. We hardly spend any time apart. It’s almost like we are the same person. Sometimes we even finish each others sentences.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s been a bit of a whirlwind romance, but we are just going with it. No use in fighting nature, there are forces out there far greater than us. I know, it’s crazy! Listen to me, talking like a hippie. I guess that’s what love can do to a person.

She is amazing though. Seriously, she is wonderful. Marissa is a little different from, you know, my last Tennessee Top Hat. She is innocent, untouched (almost) and really has direction and an understanding of what she wants from life. Basically, nothing like my last Beaver Tail:

No direction, a drunk, a slut.

As much as I loved that Mud-flap, I see a wonderful, long future for Marissa and me (not “I” this time darling – there is no “I” in LUST). You can expect to meet her next time I see you. She is, after all, almost always out with me.

You are going to love her!

I just know it.

STEP BROTHERS DELETED SCENE...

2008-07-21T08:02:00.001+02:00

will help you ease into the new week.

Can you believe how huge that weekend was? Quite ridiculous really, we all got a little out of hand. As a result I am sure you are suffering as much as I am. I think a little dose of Will may help us start this God forsaken day off a little easier.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

That's a scene that has been taken out the movie.

Just something to think about.

MISCHA BARTON - TOPLESS...

2008-07-18T15:40:00.003+02:00

just because it’s Friday.

And because Madiba asked me, he LOVES Mischa, especially this video of her. Besides we haven’t seen her in ages, and she sent me a naughty little collection of pics today.

Ok, she didn’t actually send me the pics, like, directly, but she went into the photo shoot knowing full well that they would end up in my possession.

So…

Naughty baby.

Naughty.

HAPPY 90TH BIRTHDAY MADIBA...

2008-07-18T15:24:00.002+02:00

all the best for the next 90!

What? It’s not impossible. Look, I’m not saying people can live forever, but with his level of income and the advances in medical science, it’s not crazy to think he could live to 200 maybe 300 years old. Just the other day they put a pigs heart in a man. He didn’t live, but I’m just saying. It’s something to think about.

Anyway, Madiba has been a long time fan of bangers and Nash, and I just know if I don’t put up something I’ll get a bitchy call. Even though I’ll see him at Tiger tonight, for PLUSH.

He does love a beer with the boys, so I though I’d put up the pic from last years birthday smash up at Forries. It was insane. We almost got kicked out after he did his baby dove trick, but he pulled the I’m-the-saviour-of-Africa-card and the manager agreed to let us stay.

What a legend!

Happy Birthday bud.

ALLISON STOKKE IS FRIDAYS FRIEND...

2008-07-18T11:50:00.006+02:00

as we move onto the brunets.

Well, I have someone extra special for you today. I have known here for a while now, I was just waiting for the best time to introduce her to you.

Seeing as we have met so many blondes over the past few weeks, I think its time we go brunet. And I have the perfect candidate. Her name is Allison Stokke. I’ll let the pictures tell you the rest.

The pictures went viral and spread through the net faster than that naked pic of Hillary and Natalie.

For full story and pics click here

Wii FIT NAKEDNESS...

2008-07-17T10:52:00.002+02:00

another reason to get the Nintendo Wii.

I have been playing with the idea of a Nintendo Wii for some time now. Obviously I would rather have the Playstation 3, possibly the Xbox, but this clip has thrown a spanner in the works.

Put forward in a court of law, this video would do serious damage to any argument against the Wii Fit.

Beautiful!

You may want to check out the topless version here.

Actually you must. It’s just so naughty. The young darling really puts in a lot of effort. I imagine this kind of exercise is rather beneficial to a girls skills “on top”, ifyaknowwhatimean.

Summer is coming, and we don’t want love handles poking out of our bikinis now do we darling?

No we don’t.

PLUSH LIVE AT TIGER TIGER...

2008-07-17T08:19:00.003+02:00

it’s happening this Friday.

As in the 18th of July my darling. If you are reading this and its Thursday, then it’s happening tomorrow. I am not sure how I can make this any clearer. You need to start planning your life slightly better baby. I am sorry if that sounded a bit harsh, but the thought of you missing PLUSH, and it will be the FULL band ifyadontmind, is just too much for me to cope with.

Benelopy will, no doubt, wow the crowd with his panty dropping drum solo. Rory will keep you entertained with his music as well as his general banter (that boy does love the microphone – and that is in no way intended to be sexual, although the performance might be). You can also expect to have your soul rubbed up the right way by Emilios skills on the bass, and let us not forget the lead guitar, he will most likely be my inspiration for the dance-off that will happen during the early hours of Saturday morning.

So, because I care so much for you, I am giving away 5, that’s five, tickets to the event. Make no mistake, this will be an event darling. All you have to do is SMS your name to the bangers and nash competition line, on 072 417 9910.

Let’s go over that one more time.

SMS your “name” to 072 417 9910.

It doesn’t get any easier than that.

If you miss that boat the doors open at 20h30 and tickets are R50.

Ok hurry now baby, you don’t want to miss your chance.

...

This seems an appropriate time to remind you London folk that PLUSH will be playing LIVE in your city on the 25th of July, that’s this month.

By the way, girls, that's not a big gap in Rory's teath. I noticed it as well, it's a bit weird, but lets move on.

I’ll tell you all about this a bit later. In the mean time you can go here and buy a ticket. Numbers are limited, so you might want to finish this up and head on over there and get a ticket.

No not there, here.

Quick, I’ve finished.

BILLABONG PRO 2008...

2008-07-16T13:59:00.001+02:00

watch it now.

It’s 1:58pm on Wednesday. Swell is rolling in at around 3 – 4 ft. The wind is offshore and the beer is cold. Oh and the Heat of the day is starting NOW.

Jordy Smith is taking on Dean Morrison (AUS).

Click here and then click “LIVE” to watch it LIVE.

Easy

DONKEY PUNCH THE MOVIE...

2008-07-16T11:52:00.005+02:00

well, a sexual act turned into a movie.

I imagine some writers out there, in the world, have some strange stories of how they came up with their story. You know, “I had just broken up with my cheating, whore girlfriend, and I was thinking about my varsity days and how much I used to drink and smoke, and how cool it would be to go back.” BOOM! Old School is born – well I imagine that’s how it was born.

Or maybe, “It was April Fools and I was wondering how to play a trick on a bunch of people, maybe even the world. I knew I would have to pick a medium that everyone could see - movies, and then make the worst movie in the world. It would be so funny!” That’s how Wank Hard was created – probably. Either that, or I shat it out a few months back and a sewage worker picked it up and sold it.

Anyway, I came across (not on) this little gem today.

Donkey Punch.

“After meeting at a nightclub in a Mediterranean resort, seven young adults decide to continue partying aboard a luxury yacht in the middle of the ocean. But when one of them dies in a freak accident the others argue about what to do, leading to a ruthless fight for survival.”

Fine.

Moving on.

Ok, it looks like it might pass as a thriller-ish movie, and yes that was a little outboard motor the chick was swinging at the end. Could be good for a rainy Sunday afternoon, under the blankets, with the Goose. It even has some pretty good reviews. But what the fuck is up with the title? Donkey Punch?

I’ll enlighten you. A Donkey Punch is actually a sexual act. Well, It’s more along the lines of sexual assault. This is Urban Dictionary’s definition:

mmmm...I am not too sure about that.

And here is what it looks like, in real life. Seriously.

Ok then, a little on the rough side for my liking. Look, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a bit of a tussle, a light spanking and some industrial rope, but a punch to the back of the head is a bit much.

Anyway, that’s neither her nor there. I can’t believe they actually named the movie after the “move”. I understand that the pivotal point in the movie is the “Donkey Punch”, but that’s like calling Snatch “Pikey Punch”, or perhaps Brave Heart could have been called “Soft Cock”, as that’s what leads to William getting caught, remember, the future king of Scotland turns into a pussy? Anyway, it’s all a little strange.

I’ll still give the movie a go, as it is apparently quite thrilling and, aaand, there is lots of nudity and sex scenes involving stunning girls – which obviously get ruined, after some angel receives a swift punch to the back of her head. But then the violence and killing starts, so it's really a win win situation.

Anyway, if any of you have tried this out let me know. But I doubt it, we don’t do that sort of thing here…

…and then talk about it afterwards.

Code Red.

sssshhh.

Seriously.

SIENNA MILLER AND KATE MOSS NAKED...

2008-07-15T15:28:00.004+02:00

one after the other.

My word, it’s been another one of those weeks, and it’s only Tuesday. Just the other day the world took in the lovely Sienna Millers absolutely naked body. Sure there was a bush in the way of her, hopefully very well trimmed, bush, but she does have lovely little breasts.

For full story and pics click here

BILLABONG PRO 2008 - UPDATE...

2008-07-15T12:51:00.003+02:00

like whoa….this is what’s happening bro.

Or more like what’s not happening – for now. It’s on hold, but the conditions are good. The wind has switched and the swell is on its way. Here are the scheduled heats for today:

We will be paying close attention to heat 8, 13 and 14. All these heats feature our local boys, Travis Logie, Royden Bryson and the very talented Jordy Smith. The two toughest, for our boys, being heat 8 and 13. Travis is taking on the legend Kelly “I have been intimate with a bangersandnash.com posse member” Slater – which is never going to be easy. Royden takes on Taj – a heat I wish I could watch.

If the swell doesn't arrive soon, they may not get to heat 13 and 14, but I'll keep you up to date.

Check out the highlights from round 1 and 2 below.

Sick.

There are some great clips up on the site, as well as high scores, hourly updates, profiles, pics, etc. It’s well worth a look.

Later.

WANK HARD - THE MOVIE...

2008-07-15T12:33:00.001+02:00

or is it Walk Hard?

Shait, I can’t remember. It may as well have been Wank Hard, it was the worst movie I have ever seen, and that is saying a lot, I have watched some pretty useless stuff in my time. I have been known to dominate a couch for three days straight without visiting a video/DVD store.

Even if you have DSTV, which I don’t, that is a long stretch, and one is subjected to some amazingly useless crap. Stuff so bad I just had to finish it. Movies so atrocious I couldn’t help but watch. It’s a problem I have. I just need to know how a movie ends, even if it is atrocious. Wank Hard took it to a whole new level.

I forced myself through the first ten minutes praying it would get better, I almost cried with the effort it took to get through minute 10 to 20, and I just couldn’t believe the crap I was subjecting myself to from the 20 minute mark to the 30. The only reason I managed to survive to this point was the full frontal nudity in one scene. There was a guy, but there were about ten lovely looking darlings.

After that I did something I have never done - especially to a movie that I actually had to rent, I hit the off button. I cannot describe to you what an absolute fuck up of a movie Wank Hard is. It’s almost as if someone if trying to play a big joke on the world by producing this stinking pile of faeces.

Wank Hard: The Dewey Cock Story – that’s the name. Remember it, remember it well, and never EVER watch it. Unless you are a directory/producer/writer/actor and want a good lesson on how to do everything wrong.

John C. Reilly (Shake and Bake partner to the Legendary Ricky Bobby) is clearly a supporting actor. As far as I am concerned, he can never and will never be anything more. He is ruined for me, and it was his own doing.

He better not ruin Step Brothers, or I’ll drop the mother fucker!

VICTORIA'S SECRET "BACKSTAGE SEXY"...

2008-07-14T10:17:00.004+02:00

it’s a book and so much more.

It was an exceptionally long and tough weekend, and I know you are battling as much as I am today. So I thought I would ease you into the week with a few pics from the new Victoria’s Secret book - “Backstage Sexy”.

Naughty.

Whilst quickly glancing over the rest of the pictures, something that you girls should probably take note of came to my attention. Have a look at the below picture, pay close attention to the angel on the left – Adrianna Lima.

More specifically, take a look at her underwear. Look at the fabric. See how sheer, or see-through, it is. Now look how far down that sheer material goes. I would say it stops somewhere within a few millimetres of her front bum.

So what was the point of that? Well, what was missing?

Exactly!

Pubic hair. There isn’t a trace of it. Adriana Lima clearly pays close attention to her vagina, just like Jen.

Girls, that really is the ideal look you should be going for. I do realise it’s quite cold at the moment, and you may be looking for a bit more warmth and protection down there. Don’t be scared to go with a little landing strip, that’s fine – for now. As long as you know the deal for summer.

Anyway, I would have absolutely no problem with that book chilling on my coffee table. I have seen a few more pics from the book – they are fine.

I don’t have details on where to buy it yet, but as soon as I do, you will be the first to know.

You haven’t already got me a birthday presie have you?

Oh good.

The book will be perfect.

Thanks.

MARISSA MILLER POPS IN...

2008-07-11T10:43:00.002+02:00

she is quite friendly.

Just because I am living the dream in Plett, do not for one second think that I would forget about you darling. I know you love your Fridays Friend as much as I do. So I would never deprive you of one - because I care.

Moving on.

I normally build up our Fridays Friend, but this week I hardly need to say a thing. Our 11th friend is Marisa Miller, an American Supermodel. Her bra size is 34D and I am sure she is a lovely person.

Other vital information can be gained by having a good look at these:

A very nice person indeed. Quite lovely actually.

Now some of you may have noticed that I have been introducing more of Red’s favourites than mine. We have had far too many blonds with huge breasts on this page in the last few weeks.

Let’s swing things in the direction of the brunettes next week shall we - toward the more beautiful friends. Ok I just reread that sentence and it may sound as if I was referring to a penis or possibly several, and the general swinging of said appendage in a new direction. I was actually referring to our “attention”. Not that there is a big difference.

Just thought I should clear that up.

MY BAGS ARE PACKED...

2008-07-10T12:28:00.002+02:00

I am, like, sooo excited!

It’s finally here, my birthday weekend. Yes, it’s the Knysna Oyster Festival as well, but let’s be honest, the real celebration this weekend will be my birthday.

Born on Friday the 13th, I have been a lucky charm to any who befriend me. Being a shy, reserved person at social gatherings, I tend to find myself mingling with the outcasts. I rarely partake in any crazy behaviour and believe my naked form should be shown to no one, except my future wife – and then only when the lights are off.

Anyway we mustn’t forget that it’s Daavs birthday on the 13th as well. Although we were born on the same day, I am the older one, and therefore more responsible and better looking.

I digress, everything is packed, and just look what I did.

I took out the old boogie board (it’s a bodyboard you fucking idiot! Jeeez us sponges used to get worked up back in the day when you stand up boys called us that.). I haven’t worked her from on top since September. It’s been so long I’m worried my performance might not be so hot.

You know what I mean. What if my timing is a bit off? There is nothing worse than making your move a bit soon. I can just see it; I’ll get into position, drop down on her, everything will be going fine, I’ll just be riding her – chucking in a few turns for good measure, then I’ll decide on a finishing move, I’ll go for it and…and…too early, I’ll shoot off the back. God, I’ll look like a fool.

Anyway, I’m not going to let pre-game nerves get to me. I’ll be on my way to Plett shortly, along with The Second Best Dancer in Cape Town and Red. Winky and Daav will be joining us up there. Tonight will be an absolute bender. It’s going to get out of hand. FACT.

Then tomorrow we have the day in Plett before hitting The Festival. You can be sure of some live updates from the Hippie Town.

I am so aroused.

GIN, FERRARIS AND HOTEL SUITES...

2008-07-10T09:07:00.005+02:00

quite the combination.

I can’t believe I forgot to tell you about this darling. A week or two ago we hosted a little soirée at Future Exotics. Nothing too fancy. Just a car give away, as many cocktails as you could drink, and some phenomenal finger food.

The gorgeous staff members were there again, they really are top class. A good mixture of blonde and brunette, natural and, well, fake – but still hot, in a very playboy bunny sort of way.

Anyway, the function went swimmingly and a good time was had by all. Thirst handled the bar and did a superb job in plying me with booze. Their cocktail menu was great, and every cocktail was made with fresh fruit, a good measure of alcohol and presented perfectly. These boys are tip top. If you want good service, get hold of them.

After a good night it was back to the hotel, the President in Bantry Bay to be precise. Definitely not the worst hotel I have ever stayed in. They claim 4 stars – I think I am fine with that. We hit the bar and the night started picking up momentum, it was going to be huge. Then the bar closed. Just like that – early. I was having none of it. We were having too much fun.

So a quick call to room service, from the bars phone, and we were back on track. Drinks were delivered to us, at the bar, by room service. The novelty wore off rather quickly though, as the drinks did take some time. So I placed an order for half a case of tonic, grabbed a bottle of gin out the car and we headed up to my room.

From there my memory fails me and I rely on photos to tell the story.

I woke up the next morning, still fully dressed and on top of my neatly made bed. Disappointed I didn’t make full use of all the services at my disposal, I pulled back the covers and jumped in, just for a minute. I like to live my life to the full and making use of services, like house keeping, is an absolute must.

I realised then that I had a rather nice room. This was my view in the morning.

I am in a bit of a rush and can’t quite find a way to finish this off. So, I’ll leave you with a taste of the limited edition calendar I received from Future Exotics. It’s features, and is signed by, some delightful angels.

Lovely.

NASH IS DYING...

2008-07-09T12:01:00.002+02:00

well possibly, but probably not - I hope.

I’m close to it though. I feel like death. And after going through my camera I found what may be the cause of my suffering.

I had totally forgotten about it, but according to my camera, and the Goose, I managed to lick the railing of the emergency exit in Stadium on Main. You know, the one that magically spits you out right next to the entrance of Wadda. It’s also the one that seems to serve as some sort of levelled sewer, or public shithouse. It stinks and is full of faecal debris, vomit and urine.

How about you just lick that divider?

Further more, once inside Tiger, I put a girls shoe in my mouth (obviously not the whole thing, but a fair portion of the sole was in and around my mouth), and I drank out of Jimmy the Pilots shoe.

Now I don’t have any sick fetishes. I don’t like dirt. I am actually a bit particular when it comes to cleanliness – it’s the closest thing to godliness. I also hate ugly feet, actually just feet in general. Unless they are perfect. There is no grey area really, either you have perfect feet, or they cause me to wretch.

So what the fuck was going on? I was drinking cane, which may have had something to do with it. However, I strongly suspect the hydrated cocaine I had before going out was to blame.

It’s called Spike, and I got it from my connection – Red. Basically, the ingredient in Red Bull that makes it so effective is more than doubled in Spike. Oh, and it’s a 450ml can. A couple of these mixed with a bit of cane, some shooters and a limo ride with twenty stunning darlings (I’ll tell you all about this at another time) seemed to be a recipe for overexcitement on my behalf.

This is what I found on my camera, after the Goose chucked it at me and said “You wonder why you are sick Nash?! Because you are an idiot.”

Not really the vibe I usually go for on a night out.

Anyway, I have been feeling fucken sick this week, as well as retarded. The Goose told me I probably had Hepatitis. I don’t really believe her but I checked it out anyway. Symptoms below.

More specific symptoms, which can be present in acute hepatitis from any cause, are:

- profound loss of appetite - check
- aversion to smoking among smokers - check
- dark urine – dark yellow/orange?
- yellowing of the eyes and skin (i.e., jaundice) – ckeck (come on Uncle I know you want to comment on this.
- and abdominal discomfort - check

It’s not the ideal time to get ill either, seeing as it’s my birthday on Sunday (as well as Daavs) and the Knysna Oyster Festival. This weekend should be fine though. Apparently the infection is mostly asymptomatic for the first week or two, which gives me enough time to enjoy the festival.
I’ll try killing it off with as much alcohol as possible.

Wish me luck.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED...

2008-07-08T14:53:00.001+02:00

even today, which is Tuesday.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

That’s right, I am hating life still. Although I think it may have more to do with the sickness in my body, than an extended hangover. Anyway, I have tried several times to write something for you. It’s just not happening. It’s all crap. I am useless.

I know putting up videos and smut is an easy way out, but it’s my only way out at the moment. Don’t bother telling me I am not putting anything up either. Firstly, I do realise this and secondly I am fucken grumpy.

What!?

Ya, that’s what I thought.

Shut up!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout.

I fucken hate week days.

ANA IVANOVIC IN FHM...

2008-07-08T12:24:00.005+02:00

still the overall winner.

Ana may not have won Wimbledon but she is most certainly the overall winner when it comes to looks. God, she is so naughty! It's the innocent vibe she has going.

But we all know that's a big farce now don't we baby?

Yes we do.

Ssssh now, if you are good I'll let you tie me up again.

Here are some shots from her latest shoot with FHM. Just a little something to think about.

I am quite comfortable with that.

STEP BROTHERS...

2008-07-07T12:11:00.002+02:00

let’s have another look.

Because its fucken cold, I am still suffering from the weekend, and I’m as creatively inspired as a soggy tea bag. Also, I think this movie might not be so bad.

You might remember that when I first told you about this movie I had my doubts about it. I though it looked a bit weak. Since then I have seen quite a bit of hype around this film. I must admit, I have changed my mind.

Below is an extended trailer. Unfortunately it is censored.

Perhaps it’s the weather but it seems to me that this may be better than I had originally thought. Although, Semi Pro did catch my by surprise. All the marketing and hype, then a crap movie. I just hope this one delivers.

Ok, I’m off to find my brain.

I think I left it at the shooter bar in Tiger Tiger.

I think I am coming off stupid.

PREGNANT MAN GIVES BIRTH...

2008-07-04T10:32:00.003+02:00

through his vagina.

Family photos - confusing.

I know that was a bit graphic but it’s true. You can’t hide from the fact that we live in a world where a man can be born a women, chop her tits off and take pills to become a man, grow facial hair and a “penis”, but keep her womb and vagina, marry a woman, fall pregnant, and give birth through a vagina but be unable to breastfeed – cause we all know guys can’t breast feed. They don’t have boobs silly!

We just have to get used to it. It’s happening everywhere. Just the other day the famous pregnant man gave birth, through a vagina, to a baby girl.

Full story here.

Look, I’ve never been a child but I am sure some of you who were will agree that this little girl has a strong chance of a pretty fucked up life. If the hormone overload in her dad’s womb got to her, she’s going to be one tough bitch. Maybe she has a chance in female boxing, or a promising career in the marines?

If the juice didn’t affect her, the kids at school most certainly will. They are horrible little things, kids. The daughter of a pregnant man will be like cannon fodder to the bullies. Mark my words, this girl will definitely turn out to be an Emo – possibly the worst kind of person in the world.

This has the potential to end in another Columbine incident.

I blame the parents.

And Emo kids.

I hate Emos.

FLAVIO BRIATORE IS LIVING THE DREAM...

2008-07-04T08:03:00.003+02:00

as we take a closer look at what being rich really means.

I fell over this, this morning, whilst sipping on my coffee and I just simply had to show you.

Pictured below you will see 58-year-old Flavio Briatore, MD of Renault Formula One and joint owner of Queens Park Rangers. What that means, in layman’s terms, is the man is stinking rich. Let’s just say he, or his children, needn’t worry about “work”.

Pictured with him is 28-year-old lover, play thing and model, Elisabetta Gregoracia. Let's have a look then.

Why the horrible face baba? Did he taste a bit like moth balls?

Girls pay attention - a bum like that will get you a long way.
FACT.

Goodness! He is fucking ugly. Elisabetta, on the other hand, is an absolute stunner. Before we just judge her as a money grabbing whore, let’s have a brief look at her dating history. One of her previous boyfriends is none other than Salvatore Sottile, Italian football coach. Let’s have a look at our boy.

Wow. Another looker Elisabetta, how do you do it? Nice jump though, from coach to Managing director and owner, sorry, part owner.

Baby, I’m just playing. You carry on living the dream.

(Whisper) With old wrinkly balls and saggy dicks.

What?

Oh, nothing, just talking to myself.

Skank.

FRIDAYS FRIEND...

2008-07-04T07:39:00.003+02:00

supporting only the best of South Africa.

Hello darling, I have someone very special to introduce to you today. She is amazing. Her name is Lyndall Jarvis and I didn’t even have to go overseas to find her for you. She is a local delicacy. A real life Cape Town girl.

Her career has taken off of late and Lyndall has been doing very well overseas. Obviously the boys at FHM have snapped her up, you would have seen her every day for the month of May if you had the FHM calendar.

I don’t have the calendar but I do have these pics for you.

Stunning!

Just another reason for you foreigners to visit Cape Town. It has officially been declared the number one city in the world for everything, and that’s a FACT.

Look it up.

Thanks Jeremy.

MARTIN LAWRENCE OWNS HECKLER...

2008-07-03T17:07:00.001+02:00

just sit there and laugh darling.

God, I love stand up comedy! I watch it whenever I can, providing the comedians are worth it. There are, however, a few rules I always follow when attending a comedy night. They are as follows:

1 – NEVER sit in the front row
2 – NEVER sit in view of the comedian if you are fat or have red hair.
3 – NEVER take friends that are fat, want to sit in the front, have red hair, or heckle
4 – NEVER EVER heckle.

You are not funny. FACT. You may crack a few jokes with your idiot friends around the braai. The usual, a few used ones from your funny friends, always something racist – cause we all know there is nothing funnier than a racist joke, and EVERYONE at the braai is obviously a racist, just like you – IDIOT. But if you were really funny, and I mean as funny as the comedian you are watching, you would be performing after him. Not actively repelling girls with his material at the next bar.

You don’t want to be like the guy at the last Comedy Festival I watched who had to change his top and buy a cap at interval, then still got called up and actually went up on stage, to try prove a point. Well done pal, you certainly did prove something – moron.

Below is a good example of what happens when you try and be clever. This is phenomenal, Martin Lawrence absolutely OWNS the idiot trying to diss him.

BE--A--UTIFUL!

WHAT HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN...

2008-07-03T08:22:00.003+02:00

it’s Thursday, which can only mean one thing?

Well it actually means several things; Puzza Thesday, student night at Tiger Tiger, your turn to be tide to the bed post, or…or? You don’t have a clue do you? Exactly.

If you don’t know what I am talking about then you obviously haven’t subscribed to Milk Mag yet. If you already have the Milk delivered to your inbox, EVERY week, don’t even bother for with the rest of this post. You are already my kind guy, or definitely my kind of girl.

This is nothing new to us, I have told you about it. Basically Milk Mag is an online magazine filled with only the most entertaining content. There are cars, models, sports results, gadgets, phenomenal birds, stupid people, hot chicks, etc, etc. In A nut shell – this mag covers everything.

The best part about it? Once you have subscribed, the Mag gets dropped off at your email address every week, without fail. It arrives right on time every Tuesday, perfect timing really, with Monday being the first working day of the week and Wednesday the last.

Actually it was a day late this week. Andrew, lets tighten things up a bit there boy. Another day late and a few of your subscribers could have lost their jobs due to fighting in the work place. You can’t hold out on them like that.

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What was that?

Huh?

Oh ja! How could I forget?

It…

is…

FREE!

QUANTUM OF SOLACE...

2008-07-02T13:43:00.001+02:00

it’s the new Bond, James Bond.

Sorry that was weak.

Moving on. Check out the new trailer.

Now if you are a Bond fan, like me, I am sure you let out a little squeal during that trailer. By the way, did you pick up on a bit of a Sith Afriken accent around the 0.25sec mark? I won’t even mention the half naked angel.

Anyway, this new guy, this Daniel Craig, I think he is shaping up to be one of the best Bond’s ever. Blasphemy! I hear you cry. Well, it’s the truth. The guy is good. Let’s just see what he does with this one before we argue, shall we?

Besides all that, I have an interesting bit of trivia for you. Apparently the “set” is cursed. Stuntmen have been close to death a few times, Craig lost some of his finger, black eyes, etc. I won’t go into to much detail, if you are interested go here or here, everything is explained.

Either way it will be one you want to see, and add to your ever expanding James Bond DVD collection.

You can check out the official site here.

ONE...AAAH...RRROBERT GABRRRIEL MUGABE...

2008-07-02T07:55:00.003+02:00

is an absolute moron.

Here is the latest from one of the world’s most loved "presidents". Watch to the end.

Chrrrist that man is a fucken IDIOT!

If you have been following the African Summit you must have caught at least one of the several beautiful moments involving Mugabe’s ignorant entourage. One of the better ones playing out along these lines:

British reporter asks some sort of question that pisses of a Zimbabwean spokesman, who responds:

“You British can go and hung…”

British reporter: “You mean HANG?”

“You British can go and hang a hundred times…..”

The spokesman didn’t falter, even after being corrected, almost as if he was being taught to speak. Remember how your English teacher, back in grade 1, used to correct you mid sentence, and you just carried on because you were learning how to speak? Ya, it’s just like that.

It’s a joke really, this whole situation. Luckily we have such an assertive, strong president.

Oh we don’t?

Shit…

ZIMBABWE RAPED WHILE WORLD GETS DRUNK...

2008-06-30T13:59:00.002+02:00

as a crazy house party gets out of hand.

It has been reported that Zimbabwe was raped at a party, somewhere in Southern Africa, by Mugabe, last Friday night.

"Bend over Zimbabwe! Let me put it in your bum."

An eye witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, said she saw Bob Mugabe pulling a very drunk Zimbabwe into a spare room at around 8pm: “Like, I saw Mugabe take Zimbabwe into the spare room. Zimbabwe was, like, really trashed, she was falling everywhere. Mugabe had been, like, giving Zim one drink after the other, I think he may have even spiked her drink.”

“Everyone knew what was going on, like, what else do you think a spare room is for? Mugabe so hooked up with Zim! Everyone kind of expected it though, I mean, they have been together for, like, EVER. They are always fighting, but as soon as Zim gets a bit trashed and no one is looking, Mugabe always takes advantage.”

It’s was not until Monday, after the rest of the guests sobered up, that they realised something dodgy went down. Accusations of rape were rife, and rohypnol were found on the kitchen floor.

Another eye witness said: “Something bad was definitely going to happen. I tried to tell the other Guests. The two biggest guys, USA and England, just told me to tell Mugabe that they didn’t really like what he was doing, and then they did some cocaine off a first-year-students tit. South Africa, Zimbabwe’s closest friend, was high or drunk or something. He just said whatever happens, happens. There was “nothing he could do about it”. He then muttered something about diamond mines in North Africa. Whatever, he was so fucked up.”

Doctor Smith, who conducted the rape test on Zimbabwe confirmed that she was indeed raped. “Judging by the bruising Zimbabwe was most certainly bent over and violated from behind. Furthermore, there was evidence of mouth rape and buggery. It seemed as if Mugabe tried to put it in every one of Zimbabwe’s holes.”

It is still unclear why the rest of the world, who were all at the same party, stood by and watched as Mugabe raped Zimbabwe. Apparently some were given booze to keep quite while others just didn’t really care.

Zimbabwe had this to say: “Fuck you EVERYONE! You all stood in the kitchen getting drunk and stoned while I was bent over a chair, in the spare room, with a syphilis infected penis in my back side. South Africa can go right ahead and shove a broom stick up his ass. He was right outside the door the whole time, he heard me shouting for help. Bastard.”

At present Mugabe has issued no statement. The rest of the world is reported to be suffering from massive Losers Syndrome and now regrets not doing anything to prevent the situation, stating “We are never drinking again!”

KAROLINA KURKOVA - FAT OR NOT...

2008-06-30T13:38:00.004+02:00

would we call her chubby? (said like Hugh Grant in Love Actually)

In case you missed it (idiot) Karolina Kurkova was our Fridays Friend last week. Check this out, so you know what this is all about. There were a few comments concerning the current world debate on whether she is fat or not.

Basically ugly, obese, board, computer geeks and self-loving-anorexic-bitches have labelled her fat. If you Google her name the debate pops up all the time. It’s a nightmare. Just think how this poor angel feels?

Let’s have a look at the pics that are causing all this ridiculousness (whoa – didn’t even know that was a word).

Ok, ok, let’s all calm down to a mild panic, that is hardly obese. The one to the right does make me a bit nervous. At 24 things should be a little firmer. There is extra meat there, compared to this pic.

Firm. Stunning.

Darling, I think a little more jogging, or yogging, it might have a soft “j”, and possible a few less sweeties is in order. Just say no to second helpings and cake for a bit baby. You need to get that bum back to what it was.

I wouldn’t worry about this too much. I doubt the situation is permanent. She is not going to just let her self slip from an 11 to a 7. That would be absurd! Let’s keep an eye on this though. If it starts getting out of hand I’ll have a little chat with her.

Now put down that doughnut darling.

Go for a run.

PARIS HILTON DISAPPOINTS ME...

2008-06-30T12:30:00.002+02:00

it hurt me to say that.

Our princess, Paris Hilton, has yet again fallen victim to the diabolical fad that is fake tan. It’s always sad to see this angel looking horrible.

Shame.
Maybe a bit thin as well? Eat something baby.

Darling I have warned you several times, what more do you want me to do? Some of you have even argued that fake tan is fine. I have considered your argument and your few valid points, however, in general, painting or spraying yourself orange is NOT a good idea.

Rather spend the money on other areas. If you must, then use a sun bed, otherwise get that Katie Holmes hair style everyone has been talking about, get a gym contract and prevent that winter weight gain, make sure you are silky smooth where it counts, or get creative with what you have.

This reminds me of a phenomenal example from a controversial Gucci advert.

Now that looks a whole lot better than an orange face.